Andy Murray: Universal Soldier

0500 hrs: After my nightly hour’s sleep I’m in danger of fatally overheating so it’s time for my first ice bath of the day.

If I don’t cool my body to below 185°C, a series of catastrophic malfunctions will occur. First, I get a wee bit crabbit. Then I explode with the intensity of forty kilotonnes of TNT. And that type of injury could seriously affect my chances of centre court glory. Sometimes I get angry with the guys from the program that they couldn’t install an automatic fanning mechanism in this body. But extreme irritation causes me to overheat, so I try to focus on my game instead.

0700 hrs: I like to take a walk through the park to remind myself of the simple life I once knew, before I was assembled in the program. As per, I spend the morning punching pigeons out of the sky. This keeps my targeting skills razor sharp, and greatly improves my reach.

1300 hrs: It’s time to source the kilo of weapon grade uranium that I need in my sandwich to keep me match fit. I usually find this lying around the beach.

1700 hrs: I’ve experienced an error, and now only have one fully operational eye. The problem occurred because Beckham was filming one of his Pepsi commercials on the beach and one of the crew bet him he couldn’t chip a ball from 800 metres into my eye. I tried to give chase, but began to overheat and both kneecaps melted.

1800 hrs: Back at the lab, I’m engaged in essential repairs, which should only take around ten minutes. I remove the cornea of the damaged exo-eyeball to reveal the eyes they gave me in the program. They have oblong pupils, a phenomenon usually only found on octopuses and goats. This has augmented my game with the powers of camouflage, ink jets and totally pumped frolicking. I cover up the damaged area with a pair of Wayfarers and lightly adjust my hair-do.

1810 hrs: I have become frustrated with these melted kneecaps and make the executive decision to replace them with something more efficient. One of the guys from the program has left two Scotch eggs in the ashtray. They are the only items in my flat that possess the approximate dimensional requirements. After a short test run to the Londis and back, initial calculations indicate this upgrade could improve my clay court by as much as sixty percent. I try not to get too excited about it because of overheating concerns.

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Today declared Take An E at Work Day

MILLIONS of Britons are taking pills at work to commemorate the life of ‘godfather of ecstasy’ Alexander Shulgin.

Chemist Shulgin, who died a year ago today, was instrumental in developing the drug that made repetitive dance music and stupid hats accessible to heterosexual white people.

David Cameron said: “Ecstasy changed British culture forever, making football hooligans hug and launching highly profitable dance clubs that pretended to have a no-drugs policy.

“So it is only fitting that we should all get on one today. I double dropped fluffy old school White Callies shortly before making this speech.

“I feel nice, not sexual but loving with a warm body buzz.”

Sales supervisor Nikki Hollis said: “Normally I hate my job but today we’ve made a nest out of everyone’s coats and are lying on it listening to The Orb.

“The phones are ringing but nobody cares because it doesn’t matter.”