Cheap and cheerful alternative venues for Princess Eugenie's wedding

The UK taxpayer will foot a £2million bill for Princess Eugenie’s wedding at Windsor Castle, which seems a bit steep given that she’s only ninth in line to the throne. Where are some cheaper places she could get married instead?

Windsor rugby club function room
It’s not quite a castle, but it’s still in Windsor. Everyone enjoys a wedding at a rugby club: cheap booze, shit disco and a nice, big punch up with some posh, red-faced meatheads at the end of the evening.

Legoland, Windsor
If there’s anything good about Windsor then it’s Legoland. However, a family ticket costs only slightly less than £2million so not much of a saving after all.

An A&E department
The taxpayer would probably prefer that £2million went to the NHS instead of being pissed up the wall on a minor royal marrying a tequila ‘brand ambassador’ so why not combine the two and have the wedding in an overworked, understaffed hospital? All those bleeding poor people will be so Instagrammable.

Las Vegas
Tacky. Seedy. Completely lacking in taste. Fergie would love it, and it’s far enough away from the UK that we wouldn’t even notice it had happened.

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Five tips for covering your arse at work

SOMETHING is bound to go tits up and when it does, someone’s got to take the fall. Here are five tips for making sure everyone knows it had nothing to do with you.

You’ll never work alone
Make sure you have a partner (fall guy) for every single thing you do – even if it’s just making the tea – so if you cock it up by putting cow’s milk in a vegan latte, you’ll have someone to point the finger at.

Give (and take) where credit’s due
Remember to loudly take and give credit where it’s convenient and to do so in writing. Wait until shortly after projects have been completed so you can determine which elements have been successful, and were therefore all your responsibility, and which were solely the fault of some useless twat from IT.

Never say anything definitive 
Always point out the pros and cons of everything when asked for your opinion and, when pushed for a definitive direction say ‘I’ll leave it to your excellent judgement’. You may have to talk around things using double negatives, eg: ‘I don’t not not think you should do it but I do think you shouldn’t not rush into anything you will or won’t regret.’

Have an alibi ready
Have someone ready to go who’s willing to say they were with you at any time and for any reason. Are they sure it was you who blocked all three toilets? You were with your mate Liam at that time and he’ll back you up.

Assume multiple identities
Perform your work under several aliases, that way nobody will be able to be sure which one of you caused the company’s shares to plummet by 13.5% overnight.