Four Strictly specials Britain actually wants to see

MOVIE Week, Hallowe’en Week, Killing-Time-Until-Christmas Week… There’s no end to Strictly’s crapulent theme nights, as we stomp on through a series that’s about a month too long and 10 contestants too big. So what sort of Strictly special would actually be special?

Brexit Week
To address issues of left-wing bias, the BBC holds a Strictly Brexit special, in which all four judges are Nigel Farage. Farage refuses to score any dances because BBC signals sometimes bounce off EU satellites, according to something he saw on Facebook.

Macclesfield Week
Blackpool can sh*t off. Strictly should head to the Cheshire powerhouse of Macclesfield. It doesn’t have a grand ballroom, but it does have a Morrison’s Local and is the home town of copper-coloured TV man David Dickinson.

Curse Week
All the dance couples just stop being coy, and get it on in full view of the cameras. It’s the infidelity amnesty they’ve all been waiting for. The husbands and wives in the studio don’t mind – because they all get to finally have a crack at Aljaz Skorjanec.

School Disco Week
Viewers relive the painful memories of their adolescence as the Strictly studio is reshaped into a school hall and couples are forced to rhumba to songs like Mysterious Girl and Hear the Drummer Get Wicked. Mike Bushell is given the floor to himself for an easy-listening version of Oops Upside Your Head.