Psychic Bob: Have your first bite of mince pie before pulling a disgusted face and spitting it out

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
NASA probe Pioneer 11 enters your sign this week, beaming footage of the time you wet yourself in the school play back to cheering scientists at Mission Control.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Now it’s December you can have your first bite of mince pie before pulling a disgusted face and spitting it out again.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
In Japan, your star sign would be Magikarp, the Pokemon! They’re crazy over there.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’re in luck as your secret Santa colleague is a functioning alcoholic and your job in a hospital means you have loads of antiseptic hand gel.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
On Friday you suggest to your partner sending the video of when your accident happened to You’ve Been Framed. But they say it’s bad enough you call the kid that as it is.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
The gym you joined in January email you a special offer today – free membership for life if you can remember where it actually is.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Famous Geminis include the film Star Wars, released on May 25, the Apple II computer launched on June 10, and the burning of Joan of Arc at the stake for heresy in 1431. 

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your family contains a Taurus, a Virgo and a Capricorn, which means you have a full set of earth signs and can start building hotels on them. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You can try, but your attempt to claim that as a Seventh Day Adventist this Sunday is your Black Friday and you deserve all the discounts is not likely to go well. 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
It’s a great week for you, unless you consider having a working liver crucial to having a great week, in which case it’s not so great. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Remember six years ago, when you wished for a crack in the earth to open and swallow you up when you said the wrong thing at a wedding? Well, wishes do come true. They take a while, but they come true.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
On Saturday you’ll ponder whether or not it’s okay to dye your pubes. It’s a grey area.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Elf on the shelf also judging adults

THE ELF on the shelf, who watches children to ensure they are being good for Santa, is also reporting what their parents get up to.

As well as filing daily reports to the North Pole detailing whether childrens’ behaviour means they deserve presents, the elf is monitoring adults’ bad habits for its own amusement.

Elf Tom Logan said: “The kids are right little shits – two days into December, and they’re down to a tub of felts and a pirate Lego – but you can see where they get it from.

“He’s watching porn on the iPad as soon as the room’s empty for five minutes.

“Meanwhile she’s back on the fags as well as vaping and that’s no spa weekend with the girls she’s going on. Not unless the girls are called Federico.

“They’re knocking back three bottles of vino a night, they’ve ordered two grams of coke for the weekend and I swear I saw her swigging Bailey’s before the school run.

“I have to admit, I’m hooked. This is better than True Detective.