Your Astrological Week Ahead

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Talk to new people as you socialise this week. Everyone you know hates you.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Have an open mind about someone on a first date. No one likes to be sized up before they have a chance to shine. He may not be that tall, but he does have a very large penis.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Do you subconsciously judge your dates by size of their bank accounts instead of their personalities? How shallow! What about their houses, stocks and fixed interest investments?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

With so many things on the go it's hard to slow down and enjoy the finer things life has to offer. Don’t worry, they’re not for the likes of you anyway.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

If you feel you need to be critical of your sweetheart, be sure to raise your many concerns in a constructive way. How about PowerPoint?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Just when you think your social circle is feeling a bit cramped, someone new appears on the scene. What do they think you are? Made of holes?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Don't let pride get in the way of saying sorry to someone you’ve offended. Use stubbornness instead, it’s much more effective.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

It's easy to be negative with all the bad things that are happening to you in your every day life. That’s it.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Don't let a small misunderstanding with your partner turn into a big power struggle. Beat the shit out of them with a bag of oranges before things get out of hand.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

While you can't predict what life holds, I can. Make sure your underwear is clean.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

What love story will you tell after your latest romance? Will it be a passionate affair full of twists and turns, or a solitary sordid night of meaningless sex? I wonder.

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Singleton Dares To Challenge Urban Myth

FORMER Blue Peter presenter Valerie Singleton was under attack last night after insisting she was not a raving lesbian.

Singleton revealed she had done it with lots of men in a variety of hot, sexy positions, but had never even been tempted to lesbian anyone.

Tom Logan, Liberal Democrat MP for North Bristol, said: "This is an outrage.

"I have been sustained for many years by the thought of Valerie Singleton and Lesley Judd going at it like a couple of crazy lesbian cave women. Sometimes there was Angel Delight involved."

Backbench MPs are now calling for an urgent review of urban myths including the Richard Gere one, the Jamie Lee Curtis one, and the one about the newsreader who had a bust of Queen Victoria stuck up his back passage.

Singleton said last night: "I have never done it with Moira Stewart, I have never done it with Angela Rippon and I have never done it with Virginia Wade.

"I have, however, done it with Peter Purves. It was extremely mucky. He liked it when I applied sticky-back plastic to his big hairy bum and then ripped it off. Petra must have thought I was trying to kill him."

But Singleton also rejected accusations she was now the dirtiest of all the Blue Peter presenters, insisting she was probably dirtier than Peter Duncan, but nowhere near as dirty as Anthea Turner.