Britain Unveils Plan To Criticise Mugabe Out Of Office

Rejecting claims that military action to remove Mugabe would take less than 20 minutes, foreign secretary David Milliband said democracy could only be restored with a series of sharply-worded press releases.

Mr Milliband is expected to issue an ultimatum to Mugabe, giving him one week to stop killing his opponents or face being compared to Dr Octopus from Spiderman 2.

He said: "It is time for action. It is time to start comparing Mr Mugabe to some extremely unpleasant fictional characters."

Mr Milliband set out plans to compare Mugabe to Hannibal Lecter, Ernst Stavro Blofeld and Alan Rickman as the Sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

He added: "If all else fails, we are ready and willing to compare him to Biff Tannen from Back to the Future."

Within minutes of Mr Milliband's criticism the US State Department followed up with a devastating wave of press releases. The final release carried a picture of a large pair of buttocks with the handwritten caption, 'this is your face'.

Meanwhile Britain has deployed three divisions of critics in and around central London, including Matthew Parris, Simon Jenkins and Polly Toynbee.

George Monbiot will take up a position at his farm in Wales as soon as he has finished criticising Burma.

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Winehouse Pays Price For Years Down Pit

AMY Winehouse has blamed her emphysema on years of working as a coal miner in South Wales, her father Mitch revealed last night. 

The soul singer started down pit, aged 14, and was swiftly moved to the coal face and given her own giant cutting machine.

She developed her distinctive voice entertaining fellow miners underground, despite repeated warnings that prolonged exposure to coal dust would damage her lungs.

Mr Winehouse said: "Most people think Amy’s vocal style is all about pretending to be a black woman, but she's really just a simple Welsh coal miner.

"I used to beg her not to sing so much when she was working, but she'd say to me, 'Dad, those guys have enough on their plate, what with Thatcher and all that. They need me.' She’s a special girl."

However, the industrial cause of Winehouse’s illness has not impressed rock bible NME, where medical correspondent Julian Cook branded the singer’s emphysema the most uncool disease since Marc Bolan's 1974 bout of shingles.

"Too many brave musicians have drank themselves to death or succumbed to heroically cool levels of heroin for Amy Winehouse to cry off sick with a bit of a cough."  

He added: "This is nothing more than an old Welshman’s lung disease. If she wants to mess around with coal dust she better start boiling it in a spoon."