Rejecting claims that military action to remove Mugabe would take less than 20 minutes, foreign secretary David Milliband said democracy could only be restored with a series of sharply-worded press releases.
Mr Milliband is expected to issue an ultimatum to Mugabe, giving him one week to stop killing his opponents or face being compared to Dr Octopus from Spiderman 2.
He said: "It is time for action. It is time to start comparing Mr Mugabe to some extremely unpleasant fictional characters."
Mr Milliband set out plans to compare Mugabe to Hannibal Lecter, Ernst Stavro Blofeld and Alan Rickman as the Sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.
He added: "If all else fails, we are ready and willing to compare him to Biff Tannen from Back to the Future."
Within minutes of Mr Milliband's criticism the US State Department followed up with a devastating wave of press releases. The final release carried a picture of a large pair of buttocks with the handwritten caption, 'this is your face'.
Meanwhile Britain has deployed three divisions of critics in and around central London, including Matthew Parris, Simon Jenkins and Polly Toynbee.
George Monbiot will take up a position at his farm in Wales as soon as he has finished criticising Burma.