Your Astrological Week Ahead

Taurus (20 APR-20 MAY)

You will be faced with making a decision today, and you're not quite sure what to do. The left shoe is the one we put the red sticker on, remember?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

With your demanding job and your active social life, you are always on the go, and yet you always have the energy for all the things you want to do. No wonder everyone hates you.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

You had a great first date, you've emailed back and forth all week – so why haven't they asked for a second date yet? If they don't get in touch soon ask them to send back the picture of your cock.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

When it comes to attracting people, you've got a lot of hidden talents in your arsenal! You buy your own drinks and will sleep with anyone. That’s an unbeatable combination.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

You will overhear a stranger talking about how it feels to be loved, and it triggers a memory for you. But that’s all it’s going to be: a memory.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Sure, you could send an email to let someone know you like them. But why not wow them by sending a letter written in your own blood. It’s got to work one time!

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

You're feeling pulled in opposite directions today. Part of you wants to stay in and read and part of you wants to go to the vicar’s sex party. Don’t worry, there’s another next week.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

You work hard, and it is easy to forget to take care of yourself. But you still stink.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Spend some time thinking about what your perfect future would look like. Then forget it. It’s not going to happen.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

The signals you've been getting from your crush are unclear – one minute they are begging you to leave them alone, the next they won’t move, even though you have stopped strangling them. What can it mean?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

You are about to enter a time of rapid personal growth. Make sure your flies are done up. I don’t think the magistrates will buy that accidental exposure line twice in a month.

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Government Seeks Drinking Companion For Alistair Darling

THE government is offering £7 an hour to anyone who will have a weekly pint of beer with Chancellor Alistair Darling.

Senior officials are worried Mr Darling is spending too much time in his room and is losing touch with the outside world.

They have put up notices in shop windows around Whitehall seeking a 'middle-aged man who enjoys real ale and could spend a few hours a week chatting and drinking with the Chancellor of the Exchequer'.

Permanent Secretary to the Treasury, Nicholas McPherson, said: "He just needs a bit of human interaction now and again, but unfortunately none of his cabinet colleagues want to be seen with him in public.

"It needs to be someone who is a good listener and won't interrupt too much.

"And it should, ideally, be someone who is financially comfortable. He does like to give away taxpayers' money so we don't want anyone who will take advantage of that.

"We will have to vet them very carefully. The last thing we want is a Northern Rock shareholder who'll drag him into the car park and beat him senseless."

Mr McPherson added: "I must stress that the successful candidate will have to have a lot of patience as the Chancellor is unbelievably boring."