Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The book you’re currently reading is a sensitive and subtle portrayal of a young man’s loss of innocence in the pre-industrial Midlands and as such is not a patch on Andy McNab’s Towel-head Armageddon.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Swimming with dolphins suffused you with great inner peace and contentment. And don’t worry, dolphins really like being molested.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Why not try and tenuously link your wretched product to the forthcoming World Cup in a bid to increase sales? Call it ‘Three Lions’ rim-block, or something.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking, now, heaven knows, some people will do it for a pork pie.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A train leaves Birmingham toward London at 2pm doing 100 miles an hour. A plane leaves Glasgow toward London at 11am doing 400 miles an hour. A car starts driving from Liverpool down the M6 at 9am doing 60 miles an hour toward London. Which journey will get the most fucked up by this shithole of a country’s appalling infrastructure?
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you arrive at an isolated motel where the lone employee appears to be having conversations with his imaginary mother and is spying on you through a peephole. To make matters worse, Lenny Henry appears to be in the room next to yours. Either that or somebody else is shouting ‘Katanga!’ all night.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your perfect man might be Captain Scarlet, but that is no reason to submit potential boyfriends to tests of indestructibility. Too many have already died and death is rarely a good start to a long-lasting relationship. Although the rigor mortis could come in handy.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
With your continued absence from work coinciding with a 30% increase in profits, the head of HR asks if you’ve ever thought about driving your car into a canal.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, but it can make suppositories a bit gritty.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not bring some laughter to the workplace by rearranging all the buttons on a colleague’s keyboard and convince them they’ve somehow become chronically dyslexic overnight?
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I don’t know how to tell you this, but I hate you. Okay, I did know how to tell you this.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The erectile dysfunction clinic may have advised you to masturbate as often as possible but I’m not sure the woman next to you on the bus enjoyed it as much as you did. If at all.