Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your foray into Satanism fails this week after reciting the Lord’s Prayer backwards does not conjure up the devil but does makes you sound like an Estonian.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Getting arseholed and dancing on the table may be a rite of passage for a newly divorced woman, but I’m sure Father Kelly and the rest of the congregation were less then impressed. And it’s not a table, it’s an ‘altar’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you become the first black law man in a racist town that wants you dead, with only an alcoholic, washed-up gunslinger for company. They didn’t mention any of this when you applied to be a Police Community Support Officer in Burnley.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Girls, there are so many reasons why you shouldn’t give your car a pet name. It doesn’t make you sexy, cute or funny, it won’t answer when it’s called and is simply not what a grown up woman should be doing. Unless, of course, you name it Attila, Goebbels or Efrem Zimbalist, Jnr. But then if it does answer when it’s called, you’re in seriously big trouble.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Summer is here and it’s time to get gardening. But remember – cats and strimmers don’t mix. Unless you don’t like cats, in which case they mix like a charm.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. £24.99 from Elizabeth Duke. Nice one.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I know I said I’d be wearing a red carnation, I just didn’t say where I’d be wearing it. But if that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right. Good day to you.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your meeting to get funding for a low-budget documentary about child poverty in India takes a turn for the worse when the TV executive asks whether it could be presented by Jedward.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your married friends have told you it’s time to stop playing the field and settle down in a stable relationship. And you’d believe them if they didn’t seem quite so suicidally bored.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Remember, there’s no ‘I’ in ‘Team’. But there are four in ‘piss off and leave me alone, you fucking idiot bastard’.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Convincing the police you are a conservationist monitoring the nocturnal habits of badgers will be slightly easier if you remember to put it away this time.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A missed opportunity comes around again, foreign travel is highlighted, you’re going to die on Friday, a small financial windfall comes your way, family matters get resol… what?


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Having been on the dole since I left school in 1976, I’m suddenly finding the long lie-ins rather tiresome and feel like a career change. However, I’m not really sure which path to take. I think I might make a good heart surgeon, or perhaps a lecturer in astro-physics; as long as it keeps me in fags and cake I’m not overly fussed. What would you suggest?

Dear Isobel,
Yesterday I went to my daddy’s office for ‘take your daughter to work day’. There were loads of fat, old ladies there who sat about in swivelly chairs eating biscuits and talking about Grey’s Anatomy and how much they hated other ladies in the office. Sometimes they typed things on a computer, but most of the time they just ate biscuits. It must be very boring going to work because no-one gets to do any jigsaw puzzles. Plus all the paper is plain white and the pens are all black so I don’t know how they can make any pretty pictures to take home to their families. My daddy said that grown-ups have to go to work so that they can earn a living, but I’m sure there must be more fun ways to make money. A girl in the class above me called Claudia lets all the boys see up her skirt in return for crisps and a go on their BMX bikes. Once, Claudia did a poo in an ice-cream tub and charged all the other girls and boys 20p each to see it and with the proceeds she was able to buy a significant quantity of pick ‘n’ mix. Claudia obviously has a head for business, and so perhaps you should follow her example when you’re thinking about your next career move.
Hope that helps!