Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your foray into Satanism fails this week after reciting the Lord’s Prayer backwards does not conjure up the devil but does makes you sound like an Estonian.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Getting arseholed and dancing on the table may be a rite of passage for a newly divorced woman, but I’m sure Father Kelly and the rest of the congregation were less then impressed. And it’s not a table, it’s an ‘altar’.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you become the first black law man in a racist town that wants you dead, with only an alcoholic, washed-up gunslinger for company. They didn’t mention any of this when you applied to be a Police Community Support Officer in Burnley.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Girls, there are so many reasons why you shouldn’t give your car a pet name. It doesn’t make you sexy, cute or funny, it won’t answer when it’s called and is simply not what a grown up woman should be doing. Unless, of course, you name it Attila, Goebbels or Efrem Zimbalist, Jnr. But then if it does answer when it’s called, you’re in seriously big trouble.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Summer is here and it’s time to get gardening. But remember – cats and strimmers don’t mix. Unless you don’t like cats, in which case they mix like a charm.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. Â£24.99 from Elizabeth Duke. Nice one.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I know I said I’d be wearing a red carnation, I just didn’t say where I’d be wearing it. But if that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right. Good day to you.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your meeting to get funding for a low-budget documentary about child poverty in India takes a turn for the worse when the TV executive asks whether it could be presented by Jedward.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your married friends have told you it’s time to stop playing the field and settle down in a stable relationship. And you’d believe them if they didn’t seem quite so suicidally bored.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Remember, there’s no ‘I’ in ‘Team’. But there are four in ‘piss off and leave me alone, you fucking idiot bastard’.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Convincing the police you are a conservationist monitoring the nocturnal habits of badgers will be slightly easier if you remember to put it away this time.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A missed opportunity comes around again, foreign travel is highlighted, you’re going to die on Friday, a small financial windfall comes your way, family matters get resolâ€¦ what?