Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No word from Channel 5 about your idea for a TV documentary about Canadian MILF fans called The Gerontophile Toronto Files. 

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You feel sorry for that UKIP bloke going all bigoted on painkillers. That Kristallnacht Nurse is strong stuff.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Chewing sadly on a sprout for the 8,723rd day in a row, Roy Wood glances at the abandoned genie’s lamp and sighs.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
As somebody who likes to be dominated while dressed as a dog, you prefer to be called a subwoofer.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your life is uncanny – i.e. something a Geordie wouldn’t like.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The ad hoc nativity scene in your front garden has drawn comments from the neighbours. Especially the inflatable Mary.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re still undecided on the wording of your out-of-office Christmas email message but it’s definitely between ‘getting arseholed’ and ‘not moving from the sofa’.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
All you need is love. All you need is love. All you need is love, love. Love is all you need. And £4k by Friday or you’re getting your legs broken.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You love panto – all the daft costumes, shouting stuff out to the actors, getting the kids to join in – not sure why they’re going on about that Macbeth bloke, mind.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Putting the finishing touches to a scathing and detailed review of last night’s restaurant, you worry that it could permanently damage the reputation of McDonald’s.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Trouble at the in-laws when you laugh at his bright red novelty Christmas jumper and it turns out he’s wearing a t-shirt due to his massively inflamed eczema.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Dubbadubbadumdumdubbadubbadum, dubbadumdum, dubbadum, dubbadubbadum. Nothing like farting in the bath, is there?

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Football reporting to be limited to upsets

THE media is to cease reporting football results that, like Chelsea beating Hull, are entirely expected by everyone.

“Events have transpired as expected”

The media has decided to stop wasting valuable pages and airtime on matches which unfold exactly as anyone would have predicted with only minor numerical variation.

Mirror editor Tom Booker said: “As journalists say, man bites dog is news and Arsenal beat Newcastle four-one at home isn’t.

“It’s the equivalent of a front-page headline alerting the readers to the prospect of rain at the weekend, which we don’t do because we’re not the Daily Express.

“From now on games which finish exactly as anyone would have guessed, like City beating Palace next weekend, will get a one line write-up on page 47, just under the English Kabaddi Federation finals.

“Games between mediocre teams that are evenly matched, like United against Liverpool, will get two paragraphs next to the advert for hair loss cream and white vans.

“Only matches with genuine surprises, like Spurs losing six-nil to Bradford Park Avenue, will get the full headline-and-photo treatment. And even then only the first time it happens.

“Nil-nil games get no write-up at all, because nothing happened.”

QPR fan Wayne Hayes said: “Under this system Chelsea, who can be reasonably expected to win every game this season because everyone else is a bit shit, will become champions without it being reported in the press at all.

“That sounds top. I’m happy with that.”