Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No word from Channel 5 about your idea for a TV documentary about Canadian MILF fans called The Gerontophile Toronto Files.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You feel sorry for that UKIP bloke going all bigoted on painkillers. That Kristallnacht Nurse is strong stuff.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Chewing sadly on a sprout for the 8,723rd day in a row, Roy Wood glances at the abandoned genie’s lamp and sighs.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
As somebody who likes to be dominated while dressed as a dog, you prefer to be called a subwoofer.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your life is uncanny i.e. something a Geordie wouldn’t like.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The ad hoc nativity scene in your front garden has drawn comments from the neighbours. Especially the inflatable Mary.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re still undecided on the wording of your out-of-office Christmas email message but it’s definitely between ‘getting arseholed’ and ‘not moving from the sofa’.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
All you need is love. All you need is love. All you need is love, love. Love is all you need. And £4k by Friday or you’re getting your legs broken.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You love panto all the daft costumes, shouting stuff out to the actors, getting the kids to join in not sure why they’re going on about that Macbeth bloke, mind.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Putting the finishing touches to a scathing and detailed review of last night’s restaurant, you worry that it could permanently damage the reputation of McDonald’s.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Trouble at the in-laws when you laugh at his bright red novelty Christmas jumper and it turns out he’s wearing a t-shirt due to his massively inflamed eczema.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Dubbadubbadumdumdubbadubbadum, dubbadumdum, dubbadum, dubbadubbadum. Nothing like farting in the bath, is there?