Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No word from Channel 5 about your idea for a TV documentary about Canadian MILF fans called The Gerontophile Toronto Files. 

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You feel sorry for that UKIP bloke going all bigoted on painkillers. That Kristallnacht Nurse is strong stuff.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Chewing sadly on a sprout for the 8,723rd day in a row, Roy Wood glances at the abandoned genie’s lamp and sighs.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
As somebody who likes to be dominated while dressed as a dog, you prefer to be called a subwoofer.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your life is uncanny – i.e. something a Geordie wouldn’t like.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The ad hoc nativity scene in your front garden has drawn comments from the neighbours. Especially the inflatable Mary.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re still undecided on the wording of your out-of-office Christmas email message but it’s definitely between ‘getting arseholed’ and ‘not moving from the sofa’.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
All you need is love. All you need is love. All you need is love, love. Love is all you need. And £4k by Friday or you’re getting your legs broken.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You love panto – all the daft costumes, shouting stuff out to the actors, getting the kids to join in – not sure why they’re going on about that Macbeth bloke, mind.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Putting the finishing touches to a scathing and detailed review of last night’s restaurant, you worry that it could permanently damage the reputation of McDonald’s.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Trouble at the in-laws when you laugh at his bright red novelty Christmas jumper and it turns out he’s wearing a t-shirt due to his massively inflamed eczema.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Dubbadubbadumdumdubbadubbadum, dubbadumdum, dubbadum, dubbadubbadum. Nothing like farting in the bath, is there?