Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’ve watched the new two-and-a-half-minute Star Wars trailer and noticed it has more plot than watching the equivalent 135 minutes of The Phantom Menace.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your sign has always been the most spiritual in the zodiac, and as such has always enjoyed being told vague, meaningless shit like that.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The number 67 will be lucky for you this week, as you’ll be sat on one on your way to the dole office when you find a pound under the seat.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
By consolidating all your loans into one handy debt today, you now only have one mad bastard trying to break your ankles instead of six.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not work out your anxiety by going for a run? Preferably in a zig-zag pattern so it’s harder for them to target you.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Actually the Pictionary card said draw a horse, not whores, but wow is everyone impressed with your anatomical accuracy and eye for the telling detail.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Like Drake, you know when that hotline bling it can only mean one thing. But in your case it means entering the launch codes, turning your key and condemning the world to nuclear annihilation.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
This is the week when you finally reduce your gambling addiction to manageable levels by restricting yourself to the 2p waterfalls.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
No, being a Gemini is not the reason you prefer Hannibal to The Walking Dead. That’s more down to blood group.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your attempt to claim an allotment by putting a flag in it sadly founders at the High Court.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You don’t want to be one of those parents ignoring your kids because you’re always glued to your iPhone, so you buy an iPad.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The best Virgos include Hermione Granger, Mr Spock and Mary Poppins. The non-fictional ones, not so good.