Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
Good news as the letter with your work tribunal outcome is delivered tomorrow. The good news being that your postman has stopped stealing your letters.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your star sign is named Gemini, the twins, after a constellation where two stars look like twins because they’re both white and sparkly. It was a Friday and the astronomers had had a heavy night.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It’s been a really negative time for Cancer over the last eight months. Still, halfway there.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
When you get that feeling, you want sexual healing. And a course of antibiotics.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
By changing electricity provider you’ve managed to save a theoretical £75 a year if you ever paid your bill.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s time to tackle that difficult issue at work you’ve been avoiding for so long – exactly how to kill the person in the next cubicle and make it look like an accident.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Excellent news on the work front when your new restaurant We Shove Cookie Dough Into Anything finds a huge clientele tired of food that doesn’t contain cookie dough. Particularly popular are the Cookie Dough Meatballs.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
People are always surprised when you reveal you’ve named your son Wolfgang, not after the composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart but because he looks just like a group of wolves.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You can’t wait until Friday, when you see the latest instalment of a movie franchise based on intellectual property mainly familiar from toy lines. Ah, the magic and romance of cinema.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you’ll regret purchasing a replica Mrs Potts teapot from the Disney film Beauty and The Beast, mainly because of her mounting screams of agony when you fill her with boiling water.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A tough week for you as you’re sent to prison. Yeah, various crimes obviously, every Pisces is different, but ultimately a custodial sentence is the only option.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
On Saturday, you admit you have portion control issues when your takeaway order requires two mopeds.

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Provisional England squad provisionally eliminated from Euro 2016

ROY Hodgson’s 26-man England squad has provisionally lost on penalties to a provisional Spain squad.

It has been revealed that England is due to win its group before struggling past Croatia in extra-time, finally losing to Spain on penalties with John Stones missing the crucial spot-kick in sudden death.

Roy Hodgson said: “Obviously I’m provisionally gutted for the lads and especially for John who has understandably taken the news badly.

“He’ll be wishing he hadn’t blasted that hypothetical penalty over the bar, but then again Wayne Rooney will think he shouldn’t have scuffed that presumed chance wide from six yards with five minutes left in extra-time.

“I’ve offered the Football Association my provisional resignation which they’ve provisionally accepted.”

England fans received the news of their provisional exit from Euro 2016 with disappointment but admitted it was convenient to be able to plan for the summer.

Supporter Wayne Hayes said: “I’m devastated, but at least it’s nice to have a little bit of notice. I’m going to smash a few car windows in advance.”