Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you offer to spend 12 months feeding and washing Jeremy Hunt. With snapped-off bits of rusty lawnmower and a J Cloth dipped in fox piss.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After spending the last ten years on the cabaret circuit inserting doves into your rectum, your biggest fear is being pigeonholed.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. And that, your honour, is why my client behaved the way he did on the 756 train to London Bridge.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you’ll say ‘Handyman’ into a mirror five times then get hacked to death by Bob The Builder.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Enjoy your Easter weekend slapping chocolate out of the hands of your atheist friends and asking why they’re not at work.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’ve started taking a banana into work to help with your five a day. Plus you can always eat the banana afterwards.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Come the revolution your mate will be first up against the wall. He’s a plasterer. Bullet holes.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The workman you’ve been employing is really something. In the last three months he’s managed to fix your patio doors, your leaking roof and, apparently, your wife’s infertility.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No word from SuperScrimpers producers yet about being the show’s resident shoplifting expert.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your tastes have matured from the days when you’d be happy with a glass of cheap, medium-sweet generic white wine. These days you need at least three bottles of the stuff.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
During last year’s Jubilee you felt jubilant, so you always wear dungarees when you feel like shit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
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