Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you offer to spend 12 months feeding and washing Jeremy Hunt. With snapped-off bits of rusty lawnmower and a J Cloth dipped in fox piss.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After spending the last ten years on the cabaret circuit inserting doves into your rectum, your biggest fear is being pigeonholed.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. And that, your honour, is why my client behaved the way he did on the 756 train to London Bridge.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you’ll say ‘Handyman’ into a mirror five times then get hacked to death by Bob The Builder.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Enjoy your Easter weekend slapping chocolate out of the hands of your atheist friends and asking why they’re not at work.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’ve started taking a banana into work to help with your five a day. Plus you can always eat the banana afterwards.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Come the revolution your mate will be first up against the wall. He’s a plasterer. Bullet holes.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The workman you’ve been employing is really something. In the last three months he’s managed to fix your patio doors, your leaking roof and, apparently, your wife’s infertility.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No word from SuperScrimpers producers yet about being the show’s resident shoplifting expert.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your tastes have matured from the days when you’d be happy with a glass of cheap, medium-sweet generic white wine. These days you need at least three bottles of the stuff.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
During last year’s Jubilee you felt jubilant, so you always wear dungarees when you feel like shit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
To Let: Your Horoscope Prediction Could Be Here For As Little As £100 P/Week!

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Cameron just happens to release names of people damaging Russian interests

DAVID Cameron has casually mentioned the names of some people who are ‘really standing in Russia’s way’.

The prime minister was in the middle of a press conference about cuts when ‘just as an aside’ he named 120 individuals who are major adversaries of Russia.

Cameron prefaced the list by saying that there was absolutely no evidence of suspicious circumstances in the death of Boris Berezovsky, which showed a level of professionalism that he really admired.

He continued: “And while we’re on people called Boris who’ve accrued wealth and power that really doesn’t suit them, I’m told that the Mayor of London is irresistibly attracted to oligarch’s wives and, what’s worse, their mistresses.

“What a terrible tragedy it would be if he were to be found asphyxiated in his spare bedroom, killed by a ‘dead man’s wank,’ as we called them at Eton, gone horribly wrong.”

Cameron listed others he claims have been “dissing” Russia, including Argentine President Cristina Kirchner, left-wing director Danny Boyle, business secretary Dr Vince Cable, Morrissey and actress Anne Hathaway who was singled out for “completely ruining Les Mis.”

The names of political rivals Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg were not mentioned. Downing Street press office later confirmed that they didn’t want to bother those very busy Russians with anything trivial.

President of Russia Vladimir Putin responded: “David who? Don’t bother me with details. Just nail this Cameron mudak to the fucking floor.”