Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Remember, the bit between your genitals and your bumhole is called ‘the rest of your body’ if you take the long route.

bobinsideCancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your first day as a sound engineer for Ant & Dec goes badly when you only bring three functioning mics.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Stop trying to convince people your vegetarian food tastes nice. You sound like a bloke trying to talk his girlfriend into anal.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re not rocking up, you’re arriving. You’re not rocking some clothing, you’re wearing it. I’m not rocking your face, I’m punching it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After suggesting GCSEs be graded 1-8 rather than A*-G, you spend the rest of the day off to congratulate yourself on a job well done.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You want Sylvester McCoy to be the new Dr Who, primarily because you couldn’t give a belt-sanded frig about Dr Who.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s easy to urinate in a Tuscan city. Pisa piss.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The Bilderberg Group is discussing dark, mysterious things that fill your mind with terror and panic – numbers.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your job interview goes badly when you wake up soaked in your own piss four hours after it was meant to take place.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Next time you’re in a restaurant, why not alleviate the dreadful, tense silence while the waiter opens the wine by saying “…so anyway, by now I’ve snipped off all but his thumbs and he still won’t give me his pin number…”

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Scientists have worked out what the atmosphere on Mars would smell like. Bad news – it’s your mum.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Would you like to upgrade your entire life now? Y/N (Note: Update may delete every single aspect of your personality.)