Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Remember, the bit between your genitals and your bumhole is called ‘the rest of your body’ if you take the long route.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your first day as a sound engineer for Ant & Dec goes badly when you only bring three functioning mics.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Stop trying to convince people your vegetarian food tastes nice. You sound like a bloke trying to talk his girlfriend into anal.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re not rocking up, you’re arriving. You’re not rocking some clothing, you’re wearing it. I’m not rocking your face, I’m punching it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After suggesting GCSEs be graded 1-8 rather than A*-G, you spend the rest of the day off to congratulate yourself on a job well done.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You want Sylvester McCoy to be the new Dr Who, primarily because you couldn’t give a belt-sanded frig about Dr Who.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s easy to urinate in a Tuscan city. Pisa piss.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The Bilderberg Group is discussing dark, mysterious things that fill your mind with terror and panic – numbers.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your job interview goes badly when you wake up soaked in your own piss four hours after it was meant to take place.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Next time you’re in a restaurant, why not alleviate the dreadful, tense silence while the waiter opens the wine by saying “…so anyway, by now I’ve snipped off all but his thumbs and he still won’t give me his pin number…”

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Scientists have worked out what the atmosphere on Mars would smell like. Bad news – it’s your mum.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Would you like to upgrade your entire life now? Y/N (Note: Update may delete every single aspect of your personality.)

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Festivals not corporate enough, say kids

MUSIC festivals should have more branding and marketing, according to young people.

Festival-goers under 25 told researchers that they love seeing their favourite brands in a field.

19-year-old Tom Logan said: “Sometimes I think the music gets in the way of advertising. The best thing about festivals is being able to develop my relationship with companies and lose myself in their corporate identity.

“Apparently there was a time when music wasn’t basically a giant advert. But this was way back when trains were powered by steam and seems just as weird to my sexy young mind.

“They should just have a load of banners in a field and no stages, for example you could meet your friends at Nokia and then head over to Diageo for a chill in the afternoon.”

17-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “You can’t really blame us. Pop stars used to go ‘take drugs and worship Satan’ so everyone did that, but now they’re like ‘drink fizzy pop and get a credit card’ so we’re like ‘ok’.

“At least we get to go to bed at a reasonable time.”

18-year-old Tom Logan said: “I did some acid at V Festival and had all these visuals of Richard Branson as the son of God. Turned out Virgin were the event’s official drug experience sponsors.

“It was one of those deep spiritual moments where you realise you should upgrade your broadband.”