How to write an article about something stupid if you’re an attention seeking arsehole

HI, I’m an attention seeking arsehole and I’m here to tell you how to write an article about something that you don’t understand that will get you the attention that you so greedily desire.

An eye catching title
Come up with something odd that’s bound to catch some eyes like, ‘Why I’ll never serve fish to a Brexiteer on Friday ever again,’ or ‘Come on Mrs May, show us your real vagina.’ It doesn’t have to make sense it just has to sound controversial.

Controversy
Say you think Trump is doing a great job in a weird and unsubstantiated way. People will then read it and get annoyed but there will be something else for them to be annoyed about 10 minutes later so they’ll just be generally annoyed at the world around them as opposed to any of the shit you wrote.

Fact check (or don’t)
Facts aren’t what they used to be, so don’t worry if it doesn’t make any sense (nothing does). Just make some stuff up and attach some bollocks from the internet. Due to the fast pace of news and information who’s really going to have time to pull you up on it? Esther McVey? Exactly.

Why do you want to write this piece?
If your desire to write is to share an interesting angle on something you care about, just stop right now. Only write so that people on Twitter will think you’re great or a prick but will follow you either way. You might end up getting some odd fame from it that could lead you to getting into the Groucho Club where you might get to drink cocktails with Toby Young.