Is your child enough of a little shit for primary school?

AFTER government warnings about children being unprepared for primary school, how can you ensure your kids have the right ‘little bastard’ skills? Read our guide.

Discourage sitting still

Teach kids it’s fine to run around wailing like a banshee the moment they feel slightly bored, or if they just really need everyone to look at them.

Are they aggressive enough?

Before starting school, children should be given questionable macho advice about bullying from dad, e.g. “You’ve got permission from me to stick up for yourself with your fists”, which their immature brains will obviously interpret as “it’s fine to twat people.”

Make sure they kill the school pets

Not in the grisly ‘future serial killer’ sense, but by being the sort of gormless little shit who releases Jojo the hamster into the wild for a taste of freedom and rapid death.

Give them a mobile phone

Even very small children will soon get the hang of disrupting lessons with their mobile. For added annoyance value encourage them to ring home for the slightest reason, such as confirming they have eaten their crisps.

Give them pointless extra lessons at home

Homeschool your kids on whatever they’re studying so they can be a pain in the arse with questions like: “But Miss, the Vikings weren’t called ‘the Vikings’, were they?”

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Guardian-reading Labour couple checking they're not Nazis

A MIDDLE-CLASS couple who are Labour party members are investigating whether they are vile anti-semites.

Guardian articles about Labour’s alleged anti-semitism have left earnest liberals Tom and Jemima Logan worried they must hate Jewish people without knowing it.

Teacher Tom said: “I checked Facebook in case I’d been putting up disgusting racial slurs and mad conspiracy theories, but luckily I hadn’t.

“I did find a post saying Jeff Goldblum was annoying in Jurassic Park, but I don’t think that counts as hardcore anti-semitism.

“It’s also probably okay that I had a ‘German Stormtrooper’ Action Man when I was six, although obviously I’m ashamed of my youthful militarism.”

University administrator Jemima said: “Recently I had words with a Jewish guy at work but that was strictly about him borrowing my stapler, not secretly controlling the world.

“I’m also pretty sure I’ve never joined a racist group like the National Front, unless there was some terrible mix-up with our National Trust application.”