Is your child enough of a little shit for primary school?

AFTER government warnings about children being unprepared for primary school, how can you ensure your kids have the right ‘little bastard’ skills? Read our guide.

Discourage sitting still

Teach kids it’s fine to run around wailing like a banshee the moment they feel slightly bored, or if they just really need everyone to look at them.

Are they aggressive enough?

Before starting school, children should be given questionable macho advice about bullying from dad, e.g. “You’ve got permission from me to stick up for yourself with your fists”, which their immature brains will obviously interpret as “it’s fine to twat people.”

Make sure they kill the school pets

Not in the grisly ‘future serial killer’ sense, but by being the sort of gormless little shit who releases Jojo the hamster into the wild for a taste of freedom and rapid death.

Give them a mobile phone

Even very small children will soon get the hang of disrupting lessons with their mobile. For added annoyance value encourage them to ring home for the slightest reason, such as confirming they have eaten their crisps.

Give them pointless extra lessons at home

Homeschool your kids on whatever they’re studying so they can be a pain in the arse with questions like: “But Miss, the Vikings weren’t called ‘the Vikings’, were they?”