‘It’s a busy mum’s right to smoke crack at the school gates’

HEADTEACHERS need to stop telling us not to arrive at the school gates wasted on crack, writes busy mum Nikki Hollis.

As a busy, stressed mum I was disgusted to get a letter home from my children’s school telling me I must not arrive there tweaked-out on rocks and wearing a t-shirt as trousers, with my legs through the arm-holes.

The high-and-mighty ‘Mrs Price’ was also unhappy that I was dragging a fox carcass and occasionally gnawing on its leg, which I don’t even remember. But if I did, does she even realise how expensive it is to feed two growing boys? It’s fine for her with her fancy job, I bet she has Waitrose crisps every night, but for a stressed mum on a limited income a random fox carcass is a valuable source of protein.

On the morning in question, I was extra stressed and busy because my boyfriend Clint’s band Robot Forest had a gig at a major local pub which meant I had to support them by staying up all night at the after party. I know how that sounds but Clint is a wordsmith and when the world wakes up to his fusion of folk and Belgian techno we will be able to buy a massive house for all of us.

My sons Sancho, 8, and Devo, a year or two younger, are not getting stretched at the school anyway. They don’t teach them proper stuff like about questioning authority and how everything is a conspiracy, including vaccines and school dinners which have mind control drugs in them.

Just let me live my busy, stressed life, and I’ll let you live yours. Although I am sorry for belting the woman with the big stick I thought she was some kind of copper and not the lollipop lady.

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Fun bits of having a kid work out at £1,200 per hour

THE overall cost of raising children means that the fun bits of parenthood cost over £1,200 per hour, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies compared the overall child-rearing costs of £230,000 per kid to the few afternoons when they are being cute and not a pain in the arse.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Because of weather and your work, parents get only 12-16 carefree timeless afternoons of play a year for no more than 90 minutes. 

“Breaking that down, each frisbee throw was around £60, each push on the swings was £2.80 a time, and when you chased them, tickled them, and held them up in the air while they giggled, that was about £450.”

Parent Wayne Hayes said: “That’s a lot of money, but of course it’s worth it. Isn’t it?

“Just say yes. That’s all I need to hear.”