Jesus's Easter egg review

Hello everyone, it’s Jesus, best known for starting Christmas and looking like Dave Grohl.

Much like Dave Grohl, I have a number of side projects on the go, of which Easter is my personal favourite because I love chocolate.

You simply cannot beat it, especially when moulded into an ovoid shape then packaged in a colourful laminated box.

Sadly however, my parables about which chocolate eggs to purchase were not included in the Gospels. So here goes:

Thornton’s Continental Egg

“Little children, keep yourself from false idols,” John the Baptist used to say, and those words are most apposite when it comes to this egg. For though it has the aura of the divine, is decorated all fancy and comes with truffles, it must always be remembered that Thornton’s chocolate tastes a bit weird.

Milky Bar Egg

Because I have two fathers, the Lord Almighty and the Holy Ghost, I always get two eggs at Easter. But while God gets me a celestial egg with infinitely delicious chocolate, the Holy Ghost always gives me a white chocolate egg to be ‘different’, no matter how often I explain that it’s an abomination, much like the remake of The Wicker Man.

Smarties Mug Egg

The foolish who will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven think an egg with a mug is better value. But I speak truly when I say that mug will soon be abandoned at the back of the cupboard, where God’s glory shines no light.

Yorkie Digger Egg

This egg is most pleasing to my sight because of the cool yellow digger box it comes in. But just as Ecclesiastes 10:8 says, whoever digs a pit may fall into it, and so the seductiveness of the digger may blind the faithful to the truth that Yorkies once had six chunks but now they only have five. Oh, and the registration plate on the digger doesn’t say EGG4U like it used to.

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Stones and Glastonbury 'the same thing'

THE Rolling Stones will add nothing to the Glastonbury Festival because the two things are basically the same, experts have confirmed.

The ageing rockers were unveiled as one of this year’s headline acts, giving the event a much not-needed injection of faux rebelliousness and rampant commercialism.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “They are both emaciated, excessively grandiose versions of their former selves that mainly appeal to people who wear bum bags.

“The Stones and the festival also share a philosophy, that everyone should stick it to ‘the man’ by giving them several hundred pounds and staying out of the enclosure reserved for footballers and ageing catwalk models.

“The reason the Stones haven’t played Glastonbury until now is because there was absolutely no need.

“Since the late 1990s Glastonbury has been like a Rolling Stones concert that lasts for three days.”

Brubaker added: “Maybe this is Glastonbury perfected.”