Top five scarves to make you look like a twat

ALL scarves look stupid, but if you want really want to look like a huge twat you must choose carefully.

Here are this autumn’s best scarves for looking like the biggest bellend.

1. Blanket scarf

Is it a scarf or a blanket? Or maybe a rug? No, it’s definitely a scarf, even though you could throw it on the floor and it would tie the room together. It’s so big a family of foxes could come and live in your neck-folds.

Twat rating: 6/10

2. Snood

An item that screams out, “I can’t handle tassels”, this neck warmer is perfect for anyone who wants to look like they’re about to hop on a moped and zoom off to Twatsville.

Twat rating: 7/10

3. Cotton scarf

For people who want to wear a scarf, but want none of the warmth that comes from wearing scarves. Fans of this look may also want to check out a linen ski jacket and canvas snow boots.

Twat rating: 8/10

4. Football scarf

Wearing a football scarf as an adult, are we? Did you wake up in football team-branded pyjamas? Are you wearing a replica kit underneath that suit, including the shinpads? You are clearly an 8-year old child who has not yet worked out how to dress like a grown-up.

Twat rating: 8.5/10

Twat rating if the football team in question is Chelsea: 9.5/10

5. Harry Potter official house scarf

Everything that is wrong with the football scarf, plus wizards and goblins.

Twat rating: 9/10

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Rugby players worried about teammate drinking piss alone

A GROUP of rugby players are worried about a teammate after seeing him drinking a glass of warm piss on his own.

Player from Yarchester RFC’s thirds team spotted back rower Tom Logan surreptitiously downing the glass before furtively looking around and going about his business.

Manager Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve got a duty of care to all my boys. When Tom came to training last night he was chewing gum, and he would only drink from his own water bottle.

“We’ve all thought about it, but it’s a slippery slope.”

Logan is thought to have developed the habit after a number of heavy nights drinking urine after winning the league last season, followed by a long summer with little to focus on.

Prop Stephen Malley said: “Drinking your own or someone else’s piss, and being sick into a glass and then drinking the sick are social activities.

“When consuming bodily waste stops being fun, you have to stop.”

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