Entire office poised to quit once Christmas bonus is paid

THE entire workforce of an office is poised to resign the second their Christmas bonus is paid, it has emerged.

Employees have all typed up their notices, saved their resignation emails to drafts, and are on standby to hit send as soon as the funds appear in their accounts.

Office drone Donna Sheridan said: “At first I thought I was the only one to have hatched this genius plan. But then I started talking to accounts and marketing, and I realised we were all at it.

“It’s going to be like rats fleeing a sinking ship when payday rolls around. I almost feel sorry for our boss, even if he’s shouted at us like particularly incompetent slaves for the last few years.”

Managing director Norman Steele said: “The promise of a Christmas bonus is a tried-and-tested way for managers to hold employees hostage in depressing dead-end jobs.

“However in this case the joke’s on them because I’m leaving on payday too. That’s after I’ve sent a company-wide email informing them they’ve all been dismissed without pay.”

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Selfish a*sehole has December birthday

A MAN born in December has been labelled a “selfish a*sehole” by friends, who are forced to celebrate his birthday at the busiest time of year.

Martin Bishop’s mates face a gruelling night out in the same week as their work Christmas do, several boozy lunches and the family Secret Santa draw.

Friend Tom Booker said: “Why can’t he just have a birthday in the other 11 months of the year, like a normal person? 

“It’s totally unreasonable to expect us to make time for his celebrations while we’re pouring all our energy into hangovers and important cultural events like sampling the complete Pret Christmas menu.

“The whole thing could be avoided if people were banned from having sex in March to stop any more December babies.”

Birthday boy Bishop, 35, said: “My family and friends are fine with celebrating Jesus’s birthday for a whole bl**dy month. All I ask for is a few hours and not being given a combined birthday and Christmas gift.”

Bishop was last seen crying into a mince pie he was given instead of a birthday cake, for the 35th year running.