Part-time smokers announce plans to be a pain in the neck over Christmas

BRITAIN’S occasional smokers have set out how they intend to annoy the hell out of proper smokers during the festive season.

Casual smokers will be using a variety of techniques such as asking for just one cigarette then scrounging fags off someone all night and pocketing your lighter.

Part-time smoker Martin Bishop said: “I only smoke when I’m pretty drunk and at Christmas, so by some weird logic that means I can scrounge at least a fiver’s-worth of fags off people.

“I won’t be buying a packet, despite puffing away happily all night. Instead I’ll make a note of who’s got fags and keep following them outside for a smoke, like a mild form of stalking.

“To emphasise how I’m wasting your money I’ll take just two or three drags and put it out much too early. I’ll also annoyingly mention how glad I am that I don’t really smoke.”

Fellow occasional smoker Emma Bradford said: “Nothing says ‘part-time festive smoker’ like lighting the filter end and puffing away for a good minute before realising, which is what I’ll be doing.

“Then I’ll ask you for another one. It is the season for giving after all.”

How to get rid of your awful Secret Santa present

HAVE you ended up with yet another bit of useless old tat in your workplace Secret Santa? Here’s how to ditch it quickly.

Wrap it back up and give it to someone else

The posh name for this is ‘re-gifting’. You have to pretend you’ve bought it new though, otherwise it’s like saying “I value our friendship as much as a secondhand mug in the shape of a toilet some idiot at work thought was hilarious.”

‘Lose’ it

If it’s a small item you can ‘accidentally’ leave it somewhere, like on a train. If your Secret Santa takes place at a Christmas party this will be easy, as you’ll probably get so plastered you’ll genuinely lose it anyway, along with your iPhone and keys.

Stick it in your desk drawer for next year

Offer an insincere ‘thank you’ and put the pointless ceramic frog or whatever it is straight in your drawer. Next year simply drag it back out from the depths, wrap it up again and inflict it on some other loser at work. 

Give it to a charity shop

Charity shops will already be overwhelmed with novelty Christmas pants and Prosecco-flavoured bubble bath, but don’t let that stop you feeling virtuous and that you’ve really done your bit to end poverty. 

Just bin it

You don’t care about it. The person who gave it to you doesn’t care if you like it. Just put it in the bin. In fact suggest doing this with all the gifts at your next Secret Santa. Your colleagues will thank you.