BRITAIN doesn’t mind being the victim of American cultural imperialism if it’s good stuff like The Wire. But some of their Christmas traditions are just too much for the average Brit.
Eggnog
You don’t put a raw egg in a glass of Prosecco, so why put it in this sickly Christmas drink that’s just sugary double cream? George Washington made his own eggnog, but he had wooden teeth. Coincidence? Unlikely. Actually his false teeth were probably ivory but stained brown so they were mistaken for wood, but neither make you desperate for a snog.
Pardoning turkeys
Thanksgiving is the unofficial start of the festive season, and includes giving a ‘pardon’ to a turkey. The more you think about this the more twisted it is. The turkey has not been charged with any crime, has been denied legal representation and has already been incarcerated for years in a hellish turkey shed. In addition, the US justice system under Trump is blatantly corrupt. When he’s finally gone the FBI should check the turkey pardoned in 2025 wasn’t involved in sex trafficking.
The Christmas pickle
A pickle ornament is hidden on the tree and the first child to find it gets an extra present or ‘good fortune’. Why, you might ask? To sell pickle ornaments, seems to be the answer. We had our fill of this opportunistic shit with the Elf on the Shelf, thanks.
S’mores
Short for ‘some more’, although that may not be your desire if you’re not blown away by the idea of putting melted marshmallows and chocolate on a sweet cracker. As anyone who’s seen Americans preparing food on TikTok or YouTube knows, they think sticking together a bunch of processed food products and chilling or heating them constitutes cordon bleu cookery. It’s like making a pan of melted cheese, adding chicken soup and Monster Munch and calling it ‘my finest dish yet’.
Going to church but meaning it
Brits go to church at Christmas, but mainly because it feels wonderfully traditional. They’d be cool with Satan himself giving the sermon, so long as he’d put up some tinsel. Americans, however, believe God is closely watching over every family of twats in the Midwest and personally supports their army in every war they’re in. Why didn’t He just turn the Wehrmacht, Viet Cong and Taliban into pillars of salt then, you dense bastards?
Candy canes
These mint-flavoured Charlie Chaplin canes have no discernible connection to Christmas. Supposedly they were invented by a priest to symbolise a clergyman’s hooked staff, but that’s widely held to be bollocks. We can only conclude that candy canes are a cynical, arbitrary and inappropriate design serving no purpose other than to enrich sweet makers. If America invents strawberry-flavoured Zimmer frames you can shove those too.
Mashed potato
Mash belongs underneath sausages, on the top of cottage pies, and inside fishcakes. It is not for Christmas, when crispy roast potatoes are the only choice. They’re soft inside, so you get the best of both potato worlds, and taste mildly of meat, as everything should. If Americans have any sense they’ll beg to be taken back under colonial rule and we could get rid of some of their other stupid traditions too, like putting maple syrup on perfectly good egg and bacon.
