ARE you a mum under pressure to organise a perfect Christmas? Good. Forget any of these, and you’ve ruined it for everyone, you heartless bitch:
Stockings for presents must be premium quality
Decorative stockings should be huge, woollen and festive, ideally from John Lewis and costing £15. A pillowcase might seem fine, but proves you are completely without mothering instincts and your children would be better off in care.
Parboiled potatoes must not fall apart
Your roast potatoes must be crunchy and cooked in duck fat which will require earlier parboiling. If you fail to keep an eye on them and they start breaking up, sickening excuses like ‘There’ll be more edges to get crispy’ fool nobody. Do them again.
Santa’s mince pie must be of quality
The comestibles left for Santa and his reindeer must be a home-baked mince pie, organic carrots and a single malt whiskey. Cursorily tossing a digestive on a saucer will shatter the whole fantasy of Christmas and destroy your children’s lives.
Your husband must be gifted an activity day
All male partners have a deep desire to experience things such as driving a supercar, crafting something in an iron forge or visiting Jeremy Clarkson’s farm. If you do not arrange this he is entirely justified in having sex with a neighbour or prostitute.
Send elderly parents to a West End musical
Loving daughters book their tickets for The Lion King or similar, even if they have expressed no interest in this. The show must be preceded by a cream tea at Selfridges with you taking care of all travel arrangements. Anything less means you hate them.
Christmas decorations must be exquisite
The days of tossing some cheap Taiwanese baubles on the tree are over. Now they must be exquisite miniature artworks in their own right. Yes, Disney characters rendered in Swarovski crystal don’t come cheap, but you can sell a kidney and still make a sumptuous Beef Wellington for Boxing Day as you were surely planning.
Normal sprouts are no longer any good
Nowadays sprouts must be served with lardons, chestnuts and honey butter. You were just planning to peel and boil them? Unbelievable. Your poor husband, being married to a slut.
Make a gingerbread house
A lovely addition to Christmas, and no, you can’t buy one. This is to bond with your children over, although you will do all the work when they get bored.
Play traditional board games
It is your duty to reverse the tide of history and stop Christmas being dominated by phones and TV. Family members must be forced to play charades, ring tossing and board games. Only then will you have proved you are worthy of love.
Visiting a winter wonderland
Vet thoroughly beforehand. If an elf momentarily breaks character in front of your children you’ll have completely ruined the Christmas magic. Consider walking out of your family’s life and allowing your spouse to marry a new, prettier mummy.
Making s’mores
American and requires endless faff sourcing ‘graham crackers’ and searing marshmallows over a gas ring. But if you don’t have an on-trend display of transatlantic cultural awareness you will lose your offspring to TikTok.
You must ensure a white Christmas
It doesn’t matter how. Hire a snow machine, worship the Norse god of snow Ullr, frantically snip flakes off an ice block like Edward Scissorhands, but there must be snow. Without it you have failed to make Christmas perfect and should rightfully commit seppuku, but then who would make bread sauce the laborious way from stale bread and cloves?
