Teacher just binning any present not shaped like a bottle

TEACHER Emma Bradford is putting every Christmas present that is clearly not a bottle straight in the bin, she has revealed.

Bradford has so far received gifts from around half of her Year 3 class, with all envelopes immediately discarded. Three wrapped items that were obviously mugs have also been binned, along with something that may have been a book.

She said: “I haven’t got time to fuck around with gift cards and scarves. I’m not going outside for the next three weeks, unless it’s in an Uber to the pub.

“Parents can’t complain about their non-alcohol gifts going straight to landfill. I’ve made it very clear that booze is the only thing that makes spending all week with their children worthwhile.

“Everyone knows presents are just bribes anyway. Callum’s mum needs to realise there’s no way a cheap scented candle will make me overlook that distressing game of ‘hamster keepie uppie’.”

Gesturing to a box of bottle-shaped items, Bradford added: “If any of these turn out to be posh cordial someone is getting held back a year.”

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Corbyn 'both justified and a dick'

JEREMY Corbyn is both perfectly justified in calling Theresa May a “stupid woman” and a rude dick for doing so, Britain has agreed.

The public feels the Labour leader’s use of a gendered insult was finely balanced against not saying something far worse like ‘incompetent fucking conniving idiot’.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “It’s the kind of thing you’d say if the woman at the sandwich shop totally buggered up your order and acted like it was your fault.

“Yes, you should have waited until you were outside the shop but no, technically she is stupid and a woman. So it’s swings and roundabouts really.

“Would I be cross if he’d said it to my mum? Yes. If it was my dad saying it, who has to put up with the frustration of dealing with her day in, day out? Not so much.

“My advice to Jeremy is control your temper and use appropriate language. And Theresa, you should try not to provoke Jeremy by being so fucking awful all the time.”