Comic fans flock to Masturbation Con 2012

THE world’s annual biggest habitual masturbator convention opens in San Diego.



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Cat's entertainment: The Dark Knight Rises

Cat/critic Martin Harper presents a feline perspective on the latest Batman film.

Sorry to be predictable, but the thing I was most excited about in this film was Catwoman. And yet again, my hopes were cruelly dashed.

When, oh when, are we going to see this role played by an actual cat? The hefty, bipedal Anne Hathway who would clearly struggle to navigate a wet tin roof, even if pursued by multiple terriers.

The reason for this folly is that inter-species love is the last great cinematic taboo. Even in 2012, mainstream sensibilities would be offended by Christian Bale passionately kissing a cat.

But come on guys, what’s the problem here? In parts of Southern America and Wales inter-species love is the norm and humans live happy, contented lives with their animal partners.

Yet there hasn’t been a pair of convincing inter-species lovers depicted on the screen since Clint Eastwood and Clyde the orangutan simmered in Every Which Way But Loose.

Alternately, Christopher Nolan might have replaced Christian Bale with a horseshoe bat. I recently met an excellent bat actor, and although I subsequently ate him I’m sure there are plenty more out there.

It’s time human actors stopped hogging the interesting roles. And reaching out to non-human cinemagoers could really boost tickets sales – although dogs of course must continue to be excluded from cinemas, foul things that they are.

Also, they really need to start selling milk in cinemas. Those fizzy drinks disagree with me something terrible.