Mystery bee massacres hornets then disappears into sky


Helpless bee villagers saved from invading hornets by a mysterious silent drone known only as ‘O’Grady’.

The Daily Mash in your inbox

One woman's week, with Karen Fenessey

It was my birthday last week and my new boyfriend came over with a very special gift.

“Happy birthday, babe” he said as he strolled in. The recently divorced 49 year-old father of two was six feet three inches tall with a distinctive tattoo of a burger on his forearm. He carried a gift bag which was larger than a toddler but smaller than a car, so naturally I was thrilled. I tore it open and froze. It was a harpoon.

“It’s for whaling!” he announced, all pleased with himself. Did this man know nothing about me? Sure, I enjoy the thrill of the hunt – when you’ve been hurt in the past, you toughen up. But if he’d paid any attention to my pillow talk, or taken a moment to investigate the contents of my car boot during our weekly Waitrose trip, he’d know I already have an arsenal of weapons for all those times I think I can see a whale.

It’s a lonely existence on the front line, but don’t feel sorry for me: I’m a strong woman who easily outmanoeuvres anything nature throws her way, just like Anne Frank. I tossed it away sobbing ‘you’re just like all the other men!’.  He went on the defensive, saying I was an ungrateful brat and he was going to take it back to the shop. He added that my breasts looked like the berserk ginger eyes of a fifteen foot Viking which unblinkingly glared at him when he was trying to watch the Bake Off.  What the hell was he getting at? This is exactly what I hate about poet types, they’re always so cryptic.

Anyway, his words bounced off me like bullets because I’ve been told this by countless men.  And – sorry to disappoint you, boys – but every time you say it, you just make me stronger. Not many people realise, but I am almost catastrophically mentally damaged so any man I let into my life should count himself very lucky indeed.

He looked deeply into my big, sad brown eyes. “From the very first moment I saw you,” he said calmly, “I never felt such emotion.”

He took my hand and continued, “I’m walking on air, just to know…” then he trailed off.   

“Just to know?” I prompted.

“You are there,” he said. We both burst into tears and entered a passionate embrace. He sees now that I’m an intelligent, good-natured and hardworking person – an asset to any team. He bit his lip and poured out his heart. “You’re so intelligent but also somehow so good-natured and hardworking.” He didn’t need to say the team part as we had reached a level of understanding most couples can only dream of.

“I knew then, he might be the one…” I murmured.  

The phone rang. “My God!” he exclaimed as he hung up. “Your unsuccessful sister, Elaine, has been kidnapped by Zolo in Cartagena, Columbia.” I was gobsmacked! It looked like the inexpensive harpoon would come in handy after all. Why does he have to be so good?