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Capping child benefit 'will lead to angry, sober middle-class mothers'

THE child benefit cap is to be rethought amid warnings over the impact on middle-class stay-at-home afternoon-drinking mothers.

Nick Clegg, the self-styled deputy prime minister, pledged the government would do more to protect women from the unbearable horror of sober parenting.

Francesca Johnson, a London mother of three, said: “My big-earning, arsehole husband had a point to prove about his virility and saddled me with three fucking kids.

“I used to discuss Iranian cinema and go antique hunting in Bucharest. Now I watch Peppa Pig on a loop. Do you want a fight?”

Helen Archer, from Stevenage, added: “That £80 a month puts enough Stolly through my veins to blunt the force of my rage. Without it, these little shits will be in care in by Easter. If I haven’t sold them to a Chinese laboratory.”

Studies show that the disinterested, distant childcare produced by the haze of permanent drunkenness is vital to creating a generation with something to prove to their parents.

Nick Clegg said: “We have to recognise the emotional damage that can be caused to children whose mothers aren’t able to get shitfaced while sitting on a parkbench.

“Let me emphasise that this is nothing to do with pressure from my wife, who only puts away a bottle and a half of Rioja at lunch because she’s Spanish and it’s part of their culture.”