Republican rivals accuse each other of academic achievements

Remaining candidates hire detectives to dig up evidence of ‘learning’.


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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Every time I try to chat up a girl I end up saying something stupid by mistake which ruins my chances of a happy finish. The other day, there was a gorgeous young girl in the library. I went up to her, with the intention of remarking on how much I like Wordsworth’s poetry too, and how the lyrical beauty of ‘Tintern Abbey’ makes my heart soar. But instead I panicked and ended up telling her I wanted to blast my hot man juice all over her lovely long neck. Is there a cure for this terrible affliction?

Dear Henry,
Whatever you do, don’t go around to Elizabeth Brown’s house. She’s just moved in with her mummy and daddy up the road. The other day, me and Oliver French went round there to welcome her to the neighbourhood and find out if she had any good toys. Turned out she had loads of cool stuff so we hung about a bit and her mum brought us Monster Munch and Fanta. We were having fun, but then Oliver found Elizabeth’s karaoke set and decided to test out the mic. Unfortunately, the mic was operating very well and at full volume, so you could hear ‘testing, testing, YOUR. GRANDAD. WANKS. WITH. TREMENDOUS. FREQUENCY’ from several doors down. His choice of phrase certainly explored the acoustic capabilities of the microphone. We had to leave soon after because it turns out Elizabeth’s grandfather had passed away a couple of weeks before. I didn’t even get to finish my crisps, which is a real shame.
Hope that helps!