PEOPLE get drunk every day, but some of them are posh and so their piss-up sessions are thrilling, aspirational and news. But are you one of them?
Where are you getting drunk?
A) In your front garden, surrounded by empty cans.
B) In your front garden, surrounded by waiters with flutes of champagne on silver trays.
What’s your excuse for getting drunk in a field?
A) Some horses are running fast somewhere nearby and you’ve put money on one of them.
B) Some horses are running fast somewhere nearby and you own several of them.
What hat are you wearing?
A) A baseball cap bearing the logo of an American sports franchise.
B) A wide-brimmed hat bearing a witty, deconstructed, postmodernist take on baseball caps incorporating cut-up mesh and logos worth £1,200, created by milliner-to-the-stars Philip Treacy.
How are you celebrating passing your exams?
A) Getting hammered, snogging one or more classmates, then waking up the next day and checking out all the photos of it on Instagram.
B) Getting hammered, snogging one or more classmates, then waking up the next day and checking out all the photos of it in the Daily Telegraph and Mail Online.
Drinking and driving is:
A) Not a problem, because you know you can handle it.
B) Not a problem, because you know the chief constable.
How will you end up?
A) A drunken old ruin in a patched leather chair, raging impotently at the modern world after having achieved nothing in your time on this earth.
B) Same, but in the House of Lords.
You are nothing but a common alcoholic. This country is going to the dogs because of the likes of you.
You are effervescent, sparkling, witty and have a column in Tatler. Of course it’s news when you get drunk! Your father owns a county!