Baileys, and other dangerously pleasant drinks

MOST alcoholic drinks are an acquired taste, because they are vile. These are so delicious you will have no idea you’re pissed until it’s too late: 


Most neat spirits have the decency to taste atrocious, thereby saving you from drinking enough of them to get shitfaced. Not tequila. It tastes so sweet and fruity you’ll be unable to resist going back for another sip, even though your tongue will have lost the ability to taste after the second shot. Don’t worry, it’ll work. You won’t remember the third shot.


In need of alcoholic comfort, you decide to treat yourself to an ambrosial glass of Baileys. What could go wrong? One bottle, 3,000 calories of creamy liqueur later, and you’ll feel like an over-stuffed profiterole that’s about to explode. Odd they never include this common side-effect in the adverts.


Having ‘one cocktail’ is physically impossible if you’re drinking margaritas. They come in monolithic pitchers that contain a dozen servings each, and everyone at the table has their own. Start cancelling all the plans you’ve got lined up for tomorrow now. You’re going to be retching over porcelain for 48 hours.

White Russian

Russia has a lot to apologise for, but it should be especially ashamed of inflicting this worryingly delicious cocktail on humanity. Once you start drinking this chocolatey goodness you’re guaranteed to wake up next morning head-down in a bin with no memory of how you got there. But it tastes so nice though you can’t stay mad at it for long.


Remember how much you enjoyed Um Bongo as a kid? Hurricanes are the adult version of that. No, they aren’t promoted with a catchy animal-checklist song, but they will get you blind drunk. Both drinks contain a similar amount of fruit content: none.

Espresso Martini

Present themselves as being a classy, upmarket drink, but really they’re Jägerbombs for middle-class pricks. The coffee is so strong it smuggles  several shots of vodka into your body without your knowledge, although the massive caffeine hit means you’ll be awake through your 4am head-splitting hangover.

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Have you passed too many life milestones to be Leonardo DiCaprio's next girlfriend?

HOLLYWOOD heartthrob Leonardo DiCaprio is back on the market, but have you passed too many of life’s milestones to date him? 

Do you have a driver’s license?

A) Yes. Although I don’t like to look at it because my photo is from decades ago and it’s a taunting reminder of my faded youth.

B) Yes. I passed as soon as I was old enough to take the test so it’s in nearly mint condition.

Can you vote?

A) I’ve been voting for so long the novelty’s worn off. Years of hard-won experience have taught me that democracy is a sham and there’s little point participating.

B) Yes, I’ve voted in one election and it was so exciting. I’m grateful to all the female campaigners who fought for this right so very long ago.

Are you old enough to drink in the US?

A) F**k knows. Once you reach my age you forget about stuff like that because it’s long since stopped applying to you.

B) No, although I will be after my next birthday. I’m counting down the days and I cannot wait!

Have you been married?

A) Several times. My withered, crone-like hand has a massive dent in it where all the wedding rings were worn.

B) No, I’m saving myself until I’m in my mid-twenties. Then I’ll be old enough to make the right decision.

Do you have kids?

A) Yes, in fact my granddaughter is probably the right age to go out with 47-year-old actor Leonardo DiCaprio.

B) No, and I’m in no rush. I have ages to go until my biological clock puts pressure on me to reproduce.

Got your own house?

A) Yes and I recently made my last mortgage payment. This will set me up nicely for my imminent retirement.

B) No, and I can’t imagine ever buying one. Today’s housing market means it’s difficult for us nubile members of Gen Z to save a deposit.

Are you retired?

A) I will be soon and I cannot wait. A lifetime of work has taken its toll and I’m looking forward to a rest.

B) No, that’s ages away. I haven’t even started saving for a pension because retirement is too abstract a concept for me to comprehend.


Mostly As: You are far too old to be Leonardo DiCaprio’s next girlfriend. Even someone half your age would be considered ancient by his standards. Congratulations on living a long and eventful life, though.

Mostly Bs: You have barely experienced anything life has to offer, meaning you are qualified to be Leonardo DiCaprio’s next girlfriend. With any luck you’ll be able to tick off ‘being ditched by a serial cradle snatcher’ in a couple of years.