Combining alcohol and sex 'is only way to actually have sex'

MOST Britons practise a form of ‘chemsex’ involving alcohol without which intercourse would never take place, research has confirmed.

Despite a tiny minority of the public having exciting sex on cocaine or MDMA, alcohol was the drug of choice for people on dates and long-term partners turning off the TV.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Alcohol is to sex in the UK what petrol is to a car. You’ll never make it to Asda without at least a couple of litres.

“Obviously you need a hit of something on a date. How could anyone be expected to listen to someone’s mundane thoughts for three courses while sober and then still want to do it with them?

“Likewise in a marriage, without practising ‘alcosex’ how could you ever block out years of resentment about them leaving cups all over the house and wet towels on the bed?

“Our study found that a few young people were having sex sober, but only because they were doing it while watching Netflix and posting things on Instagram.”

He added: “Personally I need a couple of whiskies before even having a wank. It helps with the self-loathing when tapping ‘milfs with big naturals’ into Google.”

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How to be an absolute prick on a plane

DO you want to act like an absolute arsehole while crammed into a metal tube with 200 other people who can’t escape you? Here’s how.

Bring a baby

Would you normally place your baby in a pressurised container that gave them earache and travel sickness for five hours? No. So don’t do it just because you fancy a cheap mini-break to Tenerife.

Do anything more affectionate than shake hands

Public displays of affection are always disgusting, but in most cases other people can walk away from you. Not so in a plane, so don’t force the person in the next seat to listen to you licking someone else’s teeth from a mere 20 centimetres away.

Recline your seat

Just because your seat can recline doesn’t mean it has to. There’s a special place in Hell for selfish fuckwits who pinion the person behind them in their seat the moment you take off and stay like that for the whole flight.

Fart or produce other unpleasant smells

If you spent the last night of your holiday drinking a cocktail of sangria and ouzo, there is probably a rancid smell coming from most of your orifices. Hold it in, you bastards, even if your insides explode from the altitude.

Get shitfaced and have a fight

Being 30,000 feet up in the air is terrifying enough without adding pissed-up fisticuffs worthy of a shit regional nightclub. And you can’t just throw someone out of a plane, sadly.