Monday, 8th March 2021

Five classic signs of alcohol overconfidence

ONE of the many negative effects of alcohol is way too much confidence. Here are some signs that you may have overdone it:

You believe you are ‘in with a chance’

Is that extremely hot person going to break the habit of a lifetime on this occasion and sleep with someone much less attractive, ie. you? Alcohol believes the answer is ‘yes’. Also any slim chance you might have had is negated by you swaying and slurring your words.

A massive, pointless walk is a good idea

You are utterly convinced that going on to a late-night bar is a f**king brilliant idea, and thus well worth a fruitless five-mile hike to find one that’s open. For total futility, walk several miles for a kebab then drop it on the pavement.

You can drink lots more

After your fifth pint of lager, you have the revelation that notorious drinkers like Richard Harris, Charles Bukowski and Richard Burton were in fact lightweights and you are a far more seasoned boozer. This is incorrect, as being three hours late for work the next day proves.

You are not going to take any shit

You decide you are going to decisively confront whatever issue is currently troubling you, be it having words with an obnoxious boss or making some radical life changes. When you wake up, you are back to your normal cowardly self, and have humiliatingly told everyone you’re going to ‘jack it all in’ and go to Australia.

You are somewhere very high up 

Piece of piss to climb that 450 kilovolt electricity pylon, right? All you needed was a confidence boost from your old friend alcohol. Now you just have to get down while shaking with terror. Hopefully there are concerned friends below to call 999, but you’ll still get a bollocking from the fire service.