Five classic signs of alcohol overconfidence

ONE of the many negative effects of alcohol is way too much confidence. Here are some signs that you may have overdone it:

You believe you are ‘in with a chance’

Is that extremely hot person going to break the habit of a lifetime on this occasion and sleep with someone much less attractive, ie. you? Alcohol believes the answer is ‘yes’. Also any slim chance you might have had is negated by you swaying and slurring your words.

A massive, pointless walk is a good idea

You are utterly convinced that going on to a late-night bar is a f**king brilliant idea, and thus well worth a fruitless five-mile hike to find one that’s open. For total futility, walk several miles for a kebab then drop it on the pavement.

You can drink lots more

After your fifth pint of lager, you have the revelation that notorious drinkers like Richard Harris, Charles Bukowski and Richard Burton were in fact lightweights and you are a far more seasoned boozer. This is incorrect, as being three hours late for work the next day proves.

You are not going to take any shit

You decide you are going to decisively confront whatever issue is currently troubling you, be it having words with an obnoxious boss or making some radical life changes. When you wake up, you are back to your normal cowardly self, and have humiliatingly told everyone you’re going to ‘jack it all in’ and go to Australia.

You are somewhere very high up 

Piece of piss to climb that 450 kilovolt electricity pylon, right? All you needed was a confidence boost from your old friend alcohol. Now you just have to get down while shaking with terror. Hopefully there are concerned friends below to call 999, but you’ll still get a bollocking from the fire service.

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Grinding your own coffee beans and other signs you are turning into the worst kind of ponce

DO you have a sneaking suspicion you’ve taken up the kind of activity that only annoying wankers do? Here are some that you definitely should be avoiding.

Grinding your own coffee beans

You might defend this by saying it makes fresher coffee, but if you follow this to its logical conclusion it won’t be long before you’re roasting some tiny, shrivelled beans that you’ve attempted to grow on your windowsill in Walthamstow. Stick to Kenco.

Making your own kefir

Not long ago you had no idea what kefir was but now you’ve become such a zealot for drinking gone-off milk that you’re trying to make it yourself. You’ll only have yourself to blame when you end up with food poisoning after drinking the malevolent sludge you’ve carefully grown in a jar.

Buying a Himalayan salt lamp

These items fail as both a lamp and a source of salt and instead just gather dust whilst making anyone who sees it in your house immediately mark you down as a bit of a twat. And don’t even attempt to explain about ‘air ionisation’ as it just makes things worse.

Purchasing ‘athleisure wear’

Fancy spending a large chunk of hard-earned cash on clothing that makes other people think you do exercise? It’s perfect for posing in when buying kombucha at your local aspirational health food store. However you can’t wear it to do actual exercise as you’ll spend the whole time fretting about sweating on it and wearing it out.

Burning luxury scented candles

Scented candles always smell disgusting and bring on a migraine so if you’re shelling out £50 a pop you need to have a very serious word with yourself. A tea light and a generous squirt of air freshener can do exactly the same job for a tenth of the price.