'I hadn't had anything to eat,' confirms everyone who can't handle their ale

EVERYONE who gets pissed on a couple of drinks is continuing to insist it was because they had not had a proper meal that day.

The Institute for Studies found that everyone who said their behaviour was due to a lack of food was actually just trying to cover up the fact they cannot handle their booze.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Getting up and dancing on tables and singing Sweet Caroline at the top of your lungs is fine.

“As long as everyone else is as well and they’re not just watching you and solemnly shaking their heads.”

Easily drunk, Martin Bishop added: “Yes, last night I may have drank four pints of lager and wound up lighting a cigarette from the wrong end before chastising my brother-in-law for his failings as a hod carrier.

“I don’t smoke and I’m not married so you can probably see why I was so embarrassed when I woke up this morning.”

“But in my defence I hadn’t eaten properly.  Obviously I had eaten a sandwich and some other bits through the day but I hadn’t sat down for a three course meal which is what everyone knows you need to eat before drinking any kind of alcoholic beverage.”

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How to write a bestselling novel when you haven't a f*cking clue

HAVE  you always dreamt of writing a bestselling novel even though you haven’t the faintest f*cking idea what you’re doing? This is how it’s done.

Quit your job
It’s definitely your job that’s been holding you back, not the fact that you think it’s spelled ‘everythink’. Tell them to f**k off. They’ll be laughing on the other side of their faces when you’re the next JK Rowling

Talk a lot about JK Rowling
JK Rowling used to NOT be a writer, and now she is a writer. This is like you. It’s a parallel. Look at your sophisticated narrative mirroring. Also, JK Rowling is rich, like all writers.

Write to agents and publishers
This is so the world knows you are finally ready to be a bestselling author. However it’s crucial to first specify what must be on the front cover and stipulate your preferred location for a launch party. Also, never divulge any plot details without an NDA, in case the agent steals your unique idea about a witty yet dissatisfied thirty-something stuck in a dystopian future universe.

Don’t listen to any actual writers
So-called ‘actual writers’ are inexplicably poor and jealous of your incipient success and will say unhelpful things like, ‘the average income of a full time writer in the UK is £8,000.” When a writer says something unsupportive like this, put your fingers in your ears and shout “JK Rowling!” repeatedly until the writer cries and runs away.

Insist it isn’t autobiographical
It’s totally unreasonable of everyone to think that your protagonist, who shares your initials, job, lifestyle, highly specific grudges and detailed relationship history, is based on you. Threaten to punch anyone who suggests it. You can get away with this now because, as a writer, you are not someone who eats entire packs of Fondant Fancies while watching TV in their pyjamas, but a staggering intellect suffused with a sexy, volatile literary persona.