Wine connoisseurs 'missing entire point of wine'

SO-CALLED wine experts are misleading the public about the basic function of wine, critics have claimed. 

Wine connoisseurs have monopolised discussion of wine, focusing on bouquet, provenance, finish and what fish it goes with but never mentioning how p*ssed it gets you.

Tom Logan, of the newly formed Real World Wines society, said: “You see these people on TV or whatever and you think, what are you on? Because it doesn’t seem to be wine.

“You don’t inhale wine through the nose. You don’t roll it around your mouth. You drink it, then you get another glass poured rapid before your partner gets to the bottle.

“You wouldn’t gargle wine any more than you’d gargle a mouthful of petrol to check its refinement before spitting it in a bucket. It goes in the tank. It’s a fuel. Like wine’s a fuel. To get you through life.

“Then all this nonsense about wine selection. That might be okay for Sir Hartley Poncingface-Cravat with his extensive cellars. For the rest of us, it’s what’s an offer at Sainsbury’s, or in a bad month, Lidl.

“Otherwise, four simple words of recommendation put all wine experts out of a job: Will. Get. You. Sh*tfaced.”

Are you looking at your phone enough first thing in the morning?

YOU wake up, you turn your alarm off and you spend a solid 10 minutes staring at your phone screen, just like you did before you went to sleep. But are you doing it enough? 

What do you look at first? 

A) The news, the gossip, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, return to step one, repeat indefinitely
B) Oh, you know, a couple of websites, see if there’s anything new before I go for a shower

How often do you look at your phone throughout the morning? 

A) There are moments when I look at other things – my breakfast, the road, the imploring faces of my children – but I keep them to an absolute minimum
B) Occasionally I remember there’s a site I’ve not checked, or I look back at something I’d like to see again from last night, but overall not that often

Does looking at your phone ever disturb your sleep? 

A) No, but that’s because I sleep sitting up staring at my phone, dreaming of my phone
B) No, once I’ve had a good hard look at my phone I drift straight off

ANSWERS

Mostly As: You could definitely squeeze in some more phone time. Have you considered skipping breakfast?

Mostly Bs: Your phone use is shamefully lax. Are you… are you just looking at porn? What’s wrong with you?