Saturday, 4th April 2020

Wine connoisseurs 'missing entire point of wine'

SO-CALLED wine experts are misleading the public about the basic function of wine, critics have claimed. 

Wine connoisseurs have monopolised discussion of wine, focusing on bouquet, provenance, finish and what fish it goes with but never mentioning how p*ssed it gets you.

Tom Logan, of the newly formed Real World Wines society, said: “You see these people on TV or whatever and you think, what are you on? Because it doesn’t seem to be wine.

“You don’t inhale wine through the nose. You don’t roll it around your mouth. You drink it, then you get another glass poured rapid before your partner gets to the bottle.

“You wouldn’t gargle wine any more than you’d gargle a mouthful of petrol to check its refinement before spitting it in a bucket. It goes in the tank. It’s a fuel. Like wine’s a fuel. To get you through life.

“Then all this nonsense about wine selection. That might be okay for Sir Hartley Poncingface-Cravat with his extensive cellars. For the rest of us, it’s what’s an offer at Sainsbury’s, or in a bad month, Lidl.

“Otherwise, four simple words of recommendation put all wine experts out of a job: Will. Get. You. Sh*tfaced.”