35-year-old at hip hop gig questioning everything

A 35-year-old man at a hip hop gig is questioning everything, it has been revealed.

Nathan Muir is the last of his friends to still attend live music events, even if it’s mainly to see 90s rappers who, like him, have some grey in their beards and tired eyes.

Muir said: “Do I actually like this? It seems very busy here and takes ages to get served at the bar because the staff haven’t had proper training.

“Working in an insurance office, I feel I have less than ever in common with Method Man.”

He added: “What’s with my haircut, anyway? And these shoes are frankly ridiculous. They’ve got a basketball player on them and I don’t even play basketball. I like cricket, Risk, and sometimes Call of Duty when the kids have gone to bed.

“If I leave now I can be back in time for Newsnight. I think there’s still some ham in the fridge.”

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Quiz: Are you the selfish git on the pavement?

CAN you perform the relatively simple tasking of walking down a street without making other pedestrians want to punch you? Take our quiz and find out.

You are walking down the street when you get an unimportant text. Do you:

A. Stop and reply, or wait until you get home.
B. Stride along tapping furiously, knocking others aside like a bowling ball at a skittle alley, except the skittles are grannies.

You and your friends are walking down the street when – unbelievably – a person approaches in the opposite direction. What do you do?

A. Briefly assume single file allowing them to pass.
B. Continue to occupy all the pavement as if some hitherto unknown law of physics will allow solid objects to pass through each other.

On a busy street, how should you walk?

A.Normally, but with an awareness that other people are around.
B. Incredibly slowly in the middle of the pavement, frequently stopping suddenly or abruptly turning 90 degrees and sprinting to a shop window because there is something incredibly exciting in it like a shoe.

As a dog owner, how would you describe pavements?

A. Handy for walks and a route to the park.
B. An opportunity to see how far your 35m extendable lead will reach and a massive toilet.

You are walking down the street with a woman you fancy. What should you do?

A. Chat and behave normally.
B. Go into ‘clown overdrive mode’ and leap around madly pointing things out and trying to be funny, causing other pedestrians to be both annoyed and amused simultaneously.

Mostly As. You have mastered the art of walking to places in a normal fashion. Well done.

Mostly Bs. Everyone hates you. Stop walking and get a car instead. Just try not to park it in an ambulance bay all the time.