All going well on This Morning until Holly tells audience to f**k off

HOLLY Willoughby has ruined This Morning’s most stress-free show in weeks by suddenly turning to camera and telling the whole of Britain to f**k off.

Producers of the ITV daytime staple were shocked when Holly looked to camera during a segment about online scams and said ‘and you can all go and f**k yourselves, as well.’

The smiling star then turned back to an expert advising viewers never to believe cold-callers claiming to be from their bank, before again addressing viewers and saying ‘every last one of you can f**k off and die’.

A body language expert said: “I thought Holly’s posture was relaxed and her hand movements seemed more open than in weeks before she told me to f**k off.

“And I don’t mean as part of a larger collective. While Wolfgang Puck was making huevos rancheros, she said ‘specifically, body language experts digging dirt for the Daily f**king Mail can get to f**king f**k.’

“Apart from that it felt like the show was back on its feet, except after the cast of the Temptations musical performed and she said ‘Goodbye until tomorrow and f**k the lot of you’, which I felt came off as hostile.”

Producer Susan Traherne said: “Oh God. She does this all the time. It’s just nobody’s ever actually paid the show any attention before.”

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Harry's testimonial sadly light on pegging details

PRINCE Harry’s day in court was depressingly light on rumours of pegging surrounding his immediate family, it has emerged.

The Duke of Sussex’s first day in the witness stand unfortunately contained no further details about the royal sex myth everyone is aware of yet cannot talk about directly for fear of legal action.

Royal correspondent Denys Finch Hatton said: “It was five hours of the usual shit. Government at rock bottom this, fears James Hewitt rumours could have got him ousted that. Not exactly dynamite stuff.

“Addressing the whole strap-on bum sex thing could have really livened up proceedings and maybe even gained him some public support. It’s not like that relationship is going to be saved anytime soon so he might as well go all in. No pun intended.

“Yes, it’s hearsay, but that’s not stopped tabloids running a story in the past. There must be a nugget of truth amongst all those tapped phone calls, and it’s Harry’s responsibility to talk about it. It’s what we pay our taxes for.

“Instead, we’re left to speculate whether [redacted] really does shove a dildo up [redacted]’s arse when they’re not having an affair with [redacted]. Or is it just another case of the press stirring the pot to make money? I guess we’ll never know.”

Prince Harry said: “I couldn’t possibly comment.”