IN these locked-down times it’s hard to remember whether you are a real person or an animated Disney character. Find out:
Are you animated?
A) Yes, thrillingly so, my movements smooth, dramatic and hard to tear your eyes away from
B) No. I just lie on the settee on my phone, with occasional finger-swipes and eye movements
Do you talk to animals?
A) Yes, the racoons are my friends and also super useful for story exposition! They made me this stunning ballgown!
B) Yes, because I have no-one else to talk to apart from the Ocado driver through the letterbox, and he tends to back away looking concerned
How do you feel about housework?
A) I do lots and lots, with a spring in my step and a song in my heart
B) I do the bare minimum while muttering choice obscenities under my breath
Do you need a haircut?
A) No, my long, golden locks have magical properties and birds nesting in them
b) Yes, my long, dark-rooted locks have split ends, a severe grease problem and look like a witch has cursed me
How much freedom are you allowed?
A) None – I’ve been imprisoned by someone powerful who says it’s for my own good, but I’m not always convinced by their moral integrity
b) None – I’ve been imprisoned by someone powerful who says it’s for my own good, but I’m not always convinced by their moral integrity
Mostly As: Congratulations! You’re a Disney character. Bonus points for a talking inanimate object pal, or if you’ve been cruelly separated from someone you recently met and frankly want to shag.
Mostly Bs: You’re not a Disney character. None of it will all work out right in the end, and the inanimate objects you talk to don’t talk back. But you can be gay if you like.