Are you in lockdown or a Disney princess?

IN these locked-down times it’s hard to remember whether you are a real person or an animated Disney character. Find out:

Are you animated?

A) Yes, thrillingly so, my movements smooth, dramatic and hard to tear your eyes away from

B) No. I just lie on the settee on my phone, with occasional finger-swipes and eye movements

Do you talk to animals?

A) Yes, the racoons are my friends and also super useful for story exposition! They made me this stunning ballgown!

B) Yes, because I have no-one else to talk to apart from the Ocado driver through the letterbox, and he tends to back away looking concerned

How do you feel about housework?

A) I do lots and lots, with a spring in my step and a song in my heart

B) I do the bare minimum while muttering choice obscenities under my breath

Do you need a haircut?

A) No, my long, golden locks have magical properties and birds nesting in them

b) Yes, my long, dark-rooted locks have split ends, a severe grease problem and look like a witch has cursed me

How much freedom are you allowed?

A) None – I’ve been imprisoned by someone powerful who says it’s for my own good, but I’m not always convinced by their moral integrity

b) None – I’ve been imprisoned by someone powerful who says it’s for my own good, but I’m not always convinced by their moral integrity

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Congratulations! You’re a Disney character. Bonus points for a talking inanimate object pal, or if you’ve been cruelly separated from someone you recently met and frankly want to shag.

Mostly Bs: You’re not a Disney character. None of it will all work out right in the end, and the inanimate objects you talk to don’t talk back. But you can be gay if you like.

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Lockdown restrictions relaxed for anyone in desperate need of a shag

THE government has announced that from today, an exception to lockdown and social distancing rules will be made for anyone seriously gagging for it. 

Completion of an online form stating that you are so down to f**k that you are willing to risk your own health, or the health of others, will entitle holders to get out there and get a good solid seeing-to.

Health secretary Matt Hancock said: “The current situation is simply not sustainable. You can’t go for seven weeks without even a sniff.

“Let’s not forget, sex in this country suffers from already terrible inequality of outcomes. Many single people may not have had their oats for several months even before this pandemic. I cannot imagine their levels of horny.

“Singles are allowed to meet in public places to communicate their desires, as long as they stay two metres apart and do not disturb families taking their daily exercise. Then, once negotiations are concluded, they can go back to the chosen household and bone.

“Unhappily married people in sexless marriages will also be allowed to cheat on each other as they please. And that’s with the special dispensation of the prime minister.”

Single man Nathan Muir said: “This is fantastic news. Or it would be, if the government hadn’t neglected to put the form on the website because they’re f**king useless.”