Bale to return as Megabatman

FORMER Batman Christian Bale is to play a new self-devised superhero called Megabatman.

Turns into a bat rather than just liking bats

Although similar in appearance to Batman, Megabatman is superior in all respects, including being taller, better at fighting and a more stimulating conversationalist.

The character will appear in the film Megabatman Begins, written and directed by Bale, which will also feature the original Batman being mocked, outwitted and beaten up by Megabatman.

Bale said: “This is absolutely nothing to do with me being jealous of Ben Affleck, because in comparison to Megabatman, Batman is toss.

“In the new film I play billionaire Christopher Vale who is better at business than Bruce Wayne and much richer. My alter ego comes about because Batman is now totally past it and spends his time picking up litter.

“Unfortunately Batman is – understandably – jealous of Megabatman and attacks him, leaving Megabatman with no choice but to smash his stupid fucking Batface in, which happens 23 times during the movie.

“Batman also suffers from premature ejaculation, which is a source of frustration in his relationship with Catwoman, who wisely chooses to dump him in favour of Megabatman.”

Bale said he had created a new vehicle for Megabatman, a giant flying tank that can go into space, while the original Batman would now travel in a beige 1983 Mini Metro.

He added: “Megabatman is also better at Pictionary.”

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Government admits having a life not really an option

THE government has confirmed that you are too busy to eat properly, exercise or enjoy relationships.

A government spokesman said: “New data shows that over half of Britons regularly eat toast for dinner, which is exactly how it should be.

“You are not supposed to have time for anything. We want you working, shopping or frantically cramming heated bread into your face to sustain yourself for those purposes.

“The families you see smiling and having picnics on the telly, they are made up.

“I know we used to bang on about going to the gym but it’s more of a ‘nice idea’ that something that will actually happen.”

He added: “After all, if you don’t keep working your peers might get richer than you and have better consumer goods. You could not handle that.”