Ben Kingsley as Gandhi: Batshit casting choices that wouldn't work today

IF you were planning to remake film classics, the first thing you’d do is make sure none of these ‘What the f**k were they thinking?’ casting choices were repeated.

Mickey Rooney, Breakfast at Tiffany’s

If your child ever asks you to explain the term ‘offensive racial stereotype’, simply pop on Breakfast at Tiffany’s and wait for Mickey Rooney to appear as Mr Yunioshi. Dressed as something resembling a hate crime, his round-spectacled, buck-toothed character is as unexpected and needless as a grotesque gollywog suddenly appearing in an episode of Peppa Pig.

Ben Kingsley, Gandhi

Who else would you cast to play the leader of the pacifist Indian independence movement than a man from Yorkshire? Though Kingsley has an Indian father and thus some connection to the role, the amount of fake tan he was slathered in would do the cast of Love Island for a week. Nowadays, it’s genuinely harrowing viewing. And not just the suffering of the Indian people.

Jim Caviezel, The Passion of the Christ

It’s impossible to say exactly what Jesus H. Christ, born approximately 2000 years ago in modern day Palestine, would’ve looked like. What we can say however is that he absolutely would not have looked like 6’2” Caucasian lunatic Jim Cavaziel. Will that encourage Mel Gibson to recast the role in the upcoming sequel? Of course not. Mel knows better than God on biblical matters.

Al Pacino, Scarface

Al Pacino is indelibly Italian-American, both in real life (his actual name is Alfredo) and due to obscure little arthouse films like The Godfather. He has never had anything to do with the island of Cuba. But in the 80s, American casting directors decided he was broadly foreign enough to be a Cuban drug lord. More recently they thought he was Jewish enough to be a Holocaust survivor in Hunters. He’s very versatile.

Alec Guinness, Lawrence of Arabia

Lawrence of Arabia is regarded as one of the greatest films of all time. This is in spite of the bizarre decision to have Alec Guinness play an Arabian prince. Wearing a disconcerting amount of mascara and using an ambiguously ‘ethnic’ accent, your eyes are drawn to Guinness in all his scenes, unfortunately for all the wrong reasons. 

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Should I share naked pictures of myself online, or wait no stop don't f**king do that

THINKING of sending naked pictures of yourself to someone you barely know online? Ask yourself these questions before doing this very obviously stupid thing.

Do you leave naked photos of yourself on lamp posts?

No, because you don’t want your neighbour cheerfully saying ‘I’ve seen your minge!’ while mowing his lawn. Sending naked selfies that could end up being viewed by god-knows-who is similar, but with potentially millions of lamp posts and masturbating neighbours.

Ask yourself: is this a normal way to start a relationship?

Very few relationships begin with the words, ‘Before we get to know each other, can you send me some images to jizz over? Ta.’ Even if your relationship subsequently blossoms it’s going to make for a weird answer to ‘How did you meet?’, eg. ‘Oh, Emma likes looking at random cocks online’, or ‘Gavin likes pressuring women into sending him homemade porn’.

Will it make you popular? Really? 

Take note, teenage girls. You should realise by now that teenagers can be total hypocrites about the thing they’re obsessed with, sex, and won’t miss an opportunity to call you a slag. It’s like egging a mate on to down a pint in one, then disgustedly saying, ‘You’ve got a serious drink problem, Carl.’

Can you be sure the lucky recipient won’t share them?

Chances are the person wanting the nudie pics is a teenage boy or an early 20s lad, and they will do anything to impress their mates. How long are they going to keep this fizzing bundle of sexual dynamite secret? About 25 seconds, if they’re particularly mature.

Can you guarantee your relationship will never go tits up?

Even a long-term, grown-up relationship can go wrong, and you’ve just handed your partner a massive box of ammunition to get revenge in the future. It does raise serious questions about why you were going out with the sort of twat who’d post the pictures for your boss, friends and mum to see. Oh. You’re the sort of idiot who sends nudie pics to strangers. Mystery solved.

Ask: what am I getting out of this?

You’ll have briefly gained the approval of someone who is at best a knobhead and at worst a f**king pervert. The benefit to you is pretty much bugger all. So all things considered, it’s clearly a bad idea. What’s that? You’ve just sent the pictures anyway?