CONSIDERING half-heartedly trying to lose weight? Allow a man to give you tips to ensure you never really commit. By Wayne Hayes.
Being a savvy shopper will help you ‘lose’ weight. Buy even larger sizes of clothing than you need, then after eating a few less biscuits convince yourself all your clothes are ‘hanging off you’. Buy low-fat alternatives but only for your nighttime snacks and reduce your ‘treat days’ to ‘not Wednesday’. Very sensible, because all the experts will tell you crash diets don’t work.
Adjust your eating habits
Reducing portion sizes is important to weight-loss. Appear to do this by using smaller plates but stacking food vertically. Cutting a large pizza into stackable slices is also a great workout. Only do two chewing motions with your jaw before swallowing. This will dramatically decrease time spent eating, thereby creating extra time for exercise, or, more probably, coping with indigestion.
Talk the talk
At every opportunity bore people stupid with your ramblings about dieting. Rattle on incessantly about your plummeting BMI and uniquely high metabolic rate. Mention dull foods like Ryvitas, bran flakes and falafels. No one will question your non-existent weight loss in case it sets you off about broccoli pasta again and they don’t give a high-fibre shit.
Exercise combined with cutting calories will shift weight faster and keep you motivated. This can be surprisingly easy – you’re so overweight and unfit that getting into the bath, changing a pillow cover and picking up a dropped biro are now all punishing exercise.
Project the right image
Smoke and mirrors are everything. Greet everyone slightly side-on to prevent an accurate impression of your frame shape. Program your smartwatch to ping an achievement for every 20 steps forwards, or five upwards. And never be seen without a bottle in each hand: one water, one your own special ‘smoothie’ of puréed meat pie, chips and gravy.
Inform the world
Show your commitment to the concept of dieting – as opposed to actually losing weight – by creating a vlog showing the opening of yoghurts and snapping of crisp breads without either being consumed. Be careful not to capture the takeaway menus lying around and the plastic containers of mixed nuts and berries still with ‘sweet and sour pork’ scrawled on the lids.