How to think you're dieting, by a man

CONSIDERING half-heartedly trying to lose weight? Allow a man to give you tips to ensure you never really commit. By Wayne Hayes.

Shop smart

Being a savvy shopper will help you ‘lose’ weight. Buy even larger sizes of clothing than you need, then after eating a few less biscuits convince yourself all your clothes are ‘hanging off you’. Buy low-fat alternatives but only for your nighttime snacks and reduce your ‘treat days’ to ‘not Wednesday’. Very sensible, because all the experts will tell you crash diets don’t work. 

Adjust your eating habits

Reducing portion sizes is important to weight-loss. Appear to do this by using smaller plates but stacking food vertically. Cutting a large pizza into stackable slices is also a great workout. Only do two chewing motions with your jaw before swallowing. This will dramatically decrease time spent eating, thereby creating extra time for exercise, or, more probably, coping with indigestion.

Talk the talk

At every opportunity bore people stupid with your ramblings about dieting. Rattle on incessantly about your plummeting BMI and uniquely high metabolic rate. Mention dull foods like Ryvitas, bran flakes and falafels. No one will question your non-existent weight loss in case it sets you off about broccoli pasta again and they don’t give a high-fibre shit.

Exercise

Exercise combined with cutting calories will shift weight faster and keep you motivated. This can be surprisingly easy – you’re so overweight and unfit that getting into the bath, changing a pillow cover and picking up a dropped biro are now all punishing exercise.

Project the right image

Smoke and mirrors are everything. Greet everyone slightly side-on to prevent an accurate impression of your frame shape. Program your smartwatch to ping an achievement for every 20 steps forwards, or five upwards. And never be seen without a bottle in each hand: one water, one your own special ‘smoothie’ of puréed meat pie, chips and gravy.

Inform the world

Show your commitment to the concept of dieting – as opposed to actually losing weight – by creating a vlog showing the opening of yoghurts and snapping of crisp breads without either being consumed. Be careful not to capture the takeaway menus lying around and the plastic containers of mixed nuts and berries still with ‘sweet and sour pork’ scrawled on the lids.

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Boris's new cabinet: Who they are and how they've sunk this low

BORIS Johnson has appointed a new cabinet after losing key members to morality yesterday. But who are they, and how has it come to this?

Chancellor of the exchequer, Nadhim Zahawi

A refugee from Iraq who came to this country with nothing and has avoided mentioning that to Priti Patel, Zahawi founded a polling company and worked for big oil before entering politics so he can certainly be trusted.

Zahawi was education secretary, pursuing a bold plan of waiting for a better job to become available, before throwing it all away for a doomed stint as a serial liar’s accountant. Claimed expenses to heat his riding school’s stables so very much a man of the people. In cabinet hoping he might end up leading a coup.

Secretary of state for health and social care, Steve Barclay

Boris Johnson’s brutal fixer who blackmails, breaks legs, and pays off victims now uncomfortably promoted into the spotlight – much as Putin’s former bodyguard is now his ‘emergencies minister’. Expected to bring bloodied baseball bat to front bench of Commons.

Barclay has fallen this far because of his unquestioning loyalty to the prime minister, in return for which he has already lost function in most of the important parts of his brain. Political career expected to end with the words ‘before turning the gun on himself’.

Secretary of state for education, Michelle Donelan

Spoke at the Conservative Party Conference in Blackpool aged 15, if you thought you were unpopular at school. Was universities minister when students were all ordered to go to university then locked in their rooms because of Covid and fined if they left, so a solid track record without a trace of hypocrisy.

Donelan has drifted down to the dregs of society like a dissolute heiress because there was nothing in her Cheshire-born MP’s life but despair. After hitting rock bottom will clean up like a substance abuser and go on an inspirational speaking tour.

Parliamentary under secretary of state for children and families, as yet unfilled

Position vacant after obscure incumbent quit this morning. Christ, you’d have to be desperate to take it.