Boris and Carrie Johnson announce birth of new baby Jesus

THE prime minister and his wife have announced they are pleased to welcome the arrival of another baby, and this one is the second coming of Christ.

The surprise statement came early this morning after what has been described as a ‘miraculous conception’ that occurred immediately after chancellor Rishi Sunak’s resignation last night.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “We are delighted to confirm that Mrs Johnson conceived, gestated and birthed a baby overnight and that it is Jesus, returned again after his ascension to heaven two thousand years ago.

“As such, the prime minister will be taking a break from official duties for a few days to spend time with his wife and the divine Lord, as you would expect from such a committed family man.

“This means Mr Johnson will not be available for any interviews or statements, which has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that his government is falling apart in front of our very eyes.

“It goes without saying that everyone should be nice to the prime minister at this joyous, emotional time, and any criticism will mean going to Hell.

“We ask that you respect their privacy to allow the happy couple to take some time out to bond with their bouncing little Messiah, as well as steam the gold wallpaper off with an iron and stuff it in a bin bag.”

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Let's drag this f**ker out, Britain agrees

THE UK has agreed that the long, slow demise of Boris Johnson should be as long, as slow and as enjoyable as possible.

Yesterday’s resignation of Javid and Sunak is merely a delicious hors d’oeuvres to the prime minister’s thrashing, helpless downfall, savoured by all those who want to watch the bastard suffer.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “How perfect that it happened just in time for the evening meal. What exquisite timing. No need to rush this when we don’t want to miss a moment.

“Nobody cares about those two pricks. They’re merely the tipping point, a signal to the whole nation that the main course of humiliation is being seasoned for our delectation.

“Of course I want Boris gone, who doesn’t? Even solid Tories in the shires have had enough. But now it’s inevitable, we can afford to relish it.

“There’s so much more to come. Ideally it’ll take weeks if not months of desperate flailing, of false dawns where the deluded twat thinks he can actually get away with it before the next crippling blow. We’ve got a whole summer of this. Mmm.

“Let the men in grey suits stay their hands. Let him cling on feverishly to his power as it slips away. This is the best excuse to drink on a work night we’ve had since Covid.”