Britain prepared to forgive Grant for his films

HUGH Grant could be forgiven for his entire career if he carries on like this, experts have claimed.

Appearing before the Leveson Inquiry, the actor gave a thrilling performance, surpassing that thing he always does in those awful films that he promotes with long, boring newspaper interviews.

But yesterday the shy, bumbling prostitute commissioner continued his one man anti-sleaze crusade by dragging the Mail on Sunday into it, to the delight of millions.

Media analyst, Stephen Malley, said: “It’s a good start but he’ll still have to kick Rupert Murdoch into the path of a ravenous polar bear before he’s excused for Mickey Blue Eyes.

“I sat through Music & Lyrics on a date, just for the chance to have some mediocre sex in her poky flat surrounded by stuffed toys and self-help manuals.

“After Grant’s performance yesterday, I no longer consider watching him arse about with Drew Barrymore for two hours as the low point of the evening.”

Malley said the actor is now on course to overtake George Clooney as Most Envied Male if he continues to be rich, good-looking and call Paul Dacre a prick on the six o’clock news.

Meanwhile Grant is today recovering after the conspicuously damp-looking woman who had been sitting to his left chased him down the street and dragged him into an alley.

The Mail on Sunday last night rejected Grant’s accusations of phone hacking and said it got its story from a member of the actor’s ‘showbiz circle’, pre-empting the inquiry’s inevitable conclusion that the people who work in entertainment and the media are all scum-sucking turds who deserve each other.

The inquiry is now bracing itself for JK Rowling’s dour testimony which is expected to go on for 600 pages for no good reason.

 

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High pay report calls for piss to be directed at wind

A REPORT into executive pay has called for a radical reform of how wind is combined with piss.

The High Pay Commission said there should be greater transparency about how much urine is being expelled as well as the strength of the accompanying breeze.

The report claims that if wind speed and piss quantities were made public then people who get paid very large amounts of money would start to feel really bad about themselves.

A spokesman said: “At that point we think it is very likely they will hand back some of the money, say sorry and give everyone a hug.

“These proposals will work as long as they are backed by the government and we can get everyone urinating in the same direction.”

A spokesman for Barclays, where the chief executive’s pay has risen by 5,000% since 1981, said: “As a modern and responsive business we would support any proposal that would enable our shareholders to stand in the middle of a field in Cornwall and go to the toilet.”

Wiping the piss from his face, business secretary Vince Cable said: “You can get a nice, even spray with a westerly breeze of 15 to 20 knots, while holding your penis at a steady 44 degrees.”

Meanwhile Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “I’ve been watching News 24 non-stop for about three years now and I’m just wondering at what point anyone is actually going to do something about anything. “