Child wondering how sh*t a drawing has to be to stay off the fridge

A THREE-YEAR-OLD is wondering how poor her artwork has to be for her parents not to display it on the fridge. 

Eleanor Shaw admitted she used to feel proud when her parents selected a new picture for the kitchen gallery, before noticing there seemed to be no quality control whatsoever.

She said: “This one is a purple shape with some green scribbles. I’m saying it’s a tractor. They’re not seriously going to… Jesus, really?

“And there it is, held up by novelty magnets.”

Shaw added: “I expect some bias. They’re my mum and dad, they love me, I get it. But that doesn’t mean they cease to discriminate entirely. They’re not running Channel 5.

“I brought the ‘tractor’ home from nursery by mistake. There’s a hole in the paper where I painted the same bit blue for five minutes.

“That said, my grandmother is even worse. My five year-old sister wrote ‘fat arse’ on an envelope and she framed it and put on her bedside table.”

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Not all of UK is enjoying a heatwave, says Scotland yet again

PEOPLE who live in Scotland have stressed, once again, that the UK is experiencing a partial heatwave.

Bill McKay, from Edinburgh, said: “The sun is out at the moment, but it is not warm.

“And there are quite a few clouds kicking about which can only be described as ‘incredibly Scottish’.

“Oh, there you go, it’s raining.

“Meanwhile there is also a stiff breeze which is really quite chilly. But this is what happens when you live in a country that is next to the North Sea.

“For people in London, the North Sea is a very large body of salt water, underneath which we used to keep our oil.

“Before you bastards nicked it. To put in your fancy fucking cars.

“You certainly don’t seem to need it for heating your ghastly, red-brick houses.

“Anyway, just thought we’d let you know. Enjoy your heatwave, you sunburnt fuckers.”