ACTOR Daniel Craig will stay on as James Bond if the fictional spy is made more self-important, he has announced.
He said: “The new Bond would spend a large part of the films moaning on about relatively trivial problems like having the wrong dishwasher delivered.
“Instead of talking in pithy one-liners he’d be a massive drama queen about it and say things like ‘I’d rather drink boiling acid than deal with Amazon customer service again!’
“He’d also have a penchant for pseudo-profound philosophising. If he’s just battered someone to death he’ll say ‘Violence is a very ugly mirror to look into’ or something like that.
“My Bond knows that saving the world from scarred maniacs with super-weapons is a cliche. He grudgingly agrees to step in because the money’s excellent but not before having a massive moan so that everyone knows such mind-numbing work is beneath him.
“Being a spy is basically manual labour.”
Craig is now writing his own Bond script, which consists of a two-hour monologue in which 007 wrestles with his psychological demons before having a brief fight on top of a plane.