Dolly Parton to play '9 to 5' chorus for an hour at Glastonbury

DOLLY Parton has been contracted to play just the bit of 9 to 5 that everyone knows for the duration of her Glastonbury set.

The country star will sing the line about pouring herself a cup of ambition before moving straight into the middle of the song.

She will be allowed to dance on stage, as long as her footwork is  straightforward enough for a layperson to replicate after eight pints of cider.

A Glastonbury spokesman said: “This contract will stop any punters from getting bored and throwing cans of Carling at her head.

“We’ve also had to warn her not to talk about her children’s literacy programme, otherwise the crowd will get restless and leave to get their faces painted or to see if there’s anyone you can still buy M-Cat from.”

Festivalgoer Nikki Hollis commented “Acts should be forced to sign contracts like this. When I saw Blondie at Latitude, they were shit – they didn’t play the one song I know, I Touch Myself.

“We had been really looking forward to hearing it. Blondie should listen to her fans, and do her research.”

Dolly Parton said: “I am thrilled to be playing Glastonbury, and happy to sign anything as long as I get a Winnebago to put my wigs in.”

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Northern Lights 'caused by gay marriage'

THE Northern Lights are a sign that God approves of gay marriage, according to pro-European Christians.

A Europhile Christian councillor from Oxfordshire has claimed that Britain is basking in God’s love and the aurora borealis is a ‘massive heavenly thumbs up’ to same sex unions.

Councillor Stephen Malley said: “I predicted this would happen if parliament passed the gay marriage bill and I am delighted to have been proved right.

“God is love and every once in a while he hammers home the point by filling the sky with a multitude of beautiful colours.

“I wish he would do it more often but, let’s be honest, people are shits.”