No good chocolate bars since 1981

EVERY chocolate bar invented since the Wispa has been either uninspired or disgusting, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies found that there had been no worthwhile additions to the chocolate bar canon since Wispas came out over three decades ago.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Wispa is the last ‘top tier’ chocolate bar, and even that’s essentially a pretentious Aero.

“Some might argue for Boost, but Boosts are impossible to eat.  Absurd levels of chewiness mean I’ve seen discarded Boosts with teeth embedded in them.”

Brubaker highlighted the green Boost with guarana in it and limited edition mango Bounty as examples of a creatively-barren industry veering towards the grotesque.

“The clean, militaristic Yorkie is the pinnacle of chocolate design, although Double Decker is perhaps the most radical, being based on a bus.

“Chocolate bars are like music – we lazily presume that each generation will have its own radical ideas. And like music we’ve had nothing decent since the 80s.

“Surely more can be done. What about a Penguin biscuit the size of a Mars bar and with a layer of caramel?

“I just thought of that off the top of my head and it still kicks the shit out of Kinder Bueno.”

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Now may not be the best time to call Putin ‘gay’

PEOPLE who accuse Vladimir Putin of being a latent homosexual may want to back off for a bit, experts have confirmed.

In the wake of Russia’s anti-gay laws it has become popular to speculate that President Putin is a closeted gay man, filled with self-loathing.

But experts stressed that, in the current climate, that would be an incredibly bad idea.

Julian Cook, professor of Russia at Roehampton University, said: “I would be more inclined to say that bare-chested horse riding is the mark of a great statesman with a string of mistresses.

“We know that President Putin will do what is right for mankind because of his enthusiasm for judo.

“And when the world finds itself in great peril we must all look to the wisdom of bear hunters.”

Tom Logan, who used to think the horse riding photo was homo-erotic, said: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.

“All I see is a man who, unlike me, could have any woman he wants.”