England fan jailed for writing shit football song

AN ENGLAND fan has been jailed for writing a song called Ball of Victory.

34-year-old Tom Logan was arrested in the early hours of Sunday morning after posting a YouTube video of himself singing the self-penned song that rhymes ‘ball’ with ‘not taking a fall’.

A police spokesman said: “All football songs are pretty shit. This one is shit to the extent that it is offensive to all persons of taste and indeed to the very concept of music.

“To be clear, the chorus goes, ‘Football, football at its best, England puts you to the test, we will beat all the rest’. And that’s actually the best bit.

“I hope that’s enough to satisfy anyone who was going to bleat about freedom of speech.”

Although Logan is currently in prison for an unspecified time, his brother Martin Logan said: “It’s no shitter than Three Lions.

“Although I must admit I didn’t understand the bit where he sings ‘Football’s really coming home, time to give the dog a bone’. Is that a sex reference?”

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I don't know how I did it either, by Gareth Southgate

TO BE honest, I’m just as confused as everyone else.

From journalists to fans, the first question people have asked me over the past two weeks is: “Gareth, how did you take a team with little international experience and turn them into genuine World Cup contenders?” To be honest, I haven’t got a fucking clue.

When it came to picking the squad I was lucky, because it pretty much picked itself. Kieran Trippier is very, very good at FIFA and he always plays as Yeovil. With that combination of skill and humility he was my first choice.

I chose Jordan Pickford because I used to have a poster of Jordan in my locker, and I chose Ruben Loftus-Cheek because I used to have a tortoise called Ruben Loftus-Cheek.

Also, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Harry Kane is very tall. I put him up front so he can get the ball when it’s higher. Harry Maguire is tall as well, so I put him down the back so he can get the ball when it’s higher but down the back.

I’ve just noticed that they’re both called Harry! Maybe it’s that?

Anyway, we’ve just got to concentrate on getting past Croatia and then it’s the World Cup final. If I find out how I got us this far, I’ll let you know.