Everyone at Cannes film festival thinks they are better than you

EXPERTS have confirmed that everyone at the Cannes Festival thinks they are better than you in every way.

Everyone from the directors to the people helping out on the red carpet sees themselves as your intellectual superior and they also think they could probably take you in a fight.

French director Tom Booker said: “I am better than you. I’ve directed a film that’s getting shown in France.

“It’s got Steven Seagal in it, but in an ironic way.”

Booker confirmed that he looks down his nose and everyone who isn’t involved in either making or distributing films, even if their films are shit.

He added: “Ambulance drivers, social workers. They do good things.

“But they’ll never have their work discussed by Mark Kermode on Radio 4, or awarded two stars in the Guardian, which I’ve somehow convinced myself is a triumph.

“Although in fairness if your ambulance driving skills were only rated two out of five they probably wouldn’t let you do it as a job.”

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Cameron and Trump bond following plane crash in bear country

DAVID Cameron and Donald Trump have learned mutual respect after being stranded together in a remote wilderness.

The politicians were on a chartered plane that crashed in the Rocky Mountains, leaving them with no choice but to cooperate in finding food, shelter and fending off attacks from a rogue bear known as ‘One Eye’.

Trump thought the prime minister was a pathetic English fop until he caught a salmon with a makeshift spear, after which the American’s attitude softened enough for him to share some berries that he had gathered.

Rescue helicopter pilot Julian Cook said: “While fleeing from the bear, Trump pulled Cameron up a tree at the last minute. Then they reluctantly had to huddle together for warmth during the night.

“Trekking back to a potential rescue zone, they showed each other pictures of their wives which was an excellent male bonding moment even if they both agreed Melania is hotter than Samantha.

“When they parted Trump said ‘You did okay, kid’ and Cameron replied ‘You didn’t do so badly yourself’.”

He added: “They’re still both pricks though.”