Family with no telly just knows nothing about telly

A FAMILY that ‘banned’ television now just knows f**k all about popular culture, it has emerged.

The Logan family had assumed getting rid of their television would lead to worthy activities such as mastering chess and reading Tolstoy, but in fact it just makes them unable to participate in conversations about EastEndersHappy Valley and The Voice.

Father-of-two Tom Logan said: “We just fill the TV time by eating more food or watching the cat.

“Now when people talk about television programmes I have to sit there in silence like an idiot, which is terrible because the whole point of not having a TV was to feel like a smug, superior arse.

“A lot of the time I just feel confused. I’m still not sure if something called Bake Off is a cookery programme, a drama with loads of characters or some sort of witch-cult that burns people in a wicker man.”

His wife Emma Logan said: “We do a lot of storytelling, which is when the children gather round as I describe old episodes of Taggart.

13-year-old Andrew Logan said: “I’ve never watched Game of Thrones and I’m using the time more productively to learn the oboe, so I’m quite hardened by now to the daily beatings at school.”

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Woman sacked for not liking lattes

A WOMAN has been sacked for failing to embrace coffee culture.

27-year-old account manager Nikki Hollis admitted not being keen on coffee or having an opinion on which was the superior version of the drink.

Line manager Emma Bradford said Hollis’s negative attitude to coffee was affecting workplace morale:  “Everyone else arrives in the office gripping a Costa cup. Claire seems to do her entire commute without a hot beverage, and then comes in and makes herself a tea, and even then it’s English breakfast.

“I could almost forgive her if it were Earl Grey, or perhaps camomile and peppermint, but normal tea? What the fuck is that about?

“She’s playing some sort of mind game and I want no part of it.”

Bradford claims Hollis would occasionally go all day without a hot drink, and doesn’t even know what a Mocha Cotado is.

“It was so weird that she might as well have been riding a large dog around the office. We couldn’t hold department meetings because of her point-blank refusal to bring a coffee in with her.

“I pity the next firm that takes her on, to be honest. I can’t see her fitting in anywhere.”