Five ways to earn money on YouTube by being a talentless wanker

DO you have zero skills? Wondering if you can make it as a YouTube star? Earn millions with our helpful guide:

Make-up tutorials 

From a pleasant plain-faced starting point, teach your audience how to transform themselves into a scary identikit plastic vixen using several inches of foundation and bronzer. If you’re enough of a narcissist to be arsed to do this every single day you’ll soon end up with your own make-up line and terrible BBC3 series.

Reaction videos

Film yourself reacting outlandishly to someone else’s music video, with a shocked expression and your hands clasped over your mouth. The likelihood that you’ve reached the age of 40 without hearing ‘Jolene’ is incredibly slim, but people who bizarrely like this kind of thing will still lap it up.

Get rich quick video 

Want to get rich with no effort? Pay $99 for this life-changing course that will teach you to get someone else to pay you $99 for the same life-changing course on how to sell this $99 life-changing course. As long as you avoid using the term ‘obvious pyramid scheme’, you’ll be raking it in.

Unboxing videos

There is something sick at the heart of humanity if we find watching people taking newly purchased products out of their packaging the height of entertainment, but apparently we do. You’ll get more hits if you’re prepared to do something mad like spend £30,000 on a pallet of undelivered Amazon packages to unbox, but you can start small with your Asda shop.

Dangerous challenges

There’s not enough danger in the world at the moment, so it’s down to you to whip up some followers by riding a skateboard off some bins and landing in a thorny bush, emerging both in need of medical assistance and several thousand clicks of advertising revenue richer.

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Man regrets building entire identity around moustache

A MAN has admitted he regrets building his entire identity around his large waxed moustache. 

Jack Browne of Bristol has an impressive moustache along with moustache-themed clothing, home decor, dinnerware and a host of moustache-grooming products, most of which are now largely redundant.

He said: “It’s really an impressive moustache. People used to say that to me. Now I say it to myself, in the mirror, trying to hold back tears.

“The thing is, having a physical attribute that people remark on was as good as a personality in the old world. In lockdown, it’s just a comedy Zoom filter that you can’t remove.

“My tins of Captain Fawcett’s Expedition Strength Moustache Wax sit unused, because what’s the point? But not bothering waxing means it’s all droopy and sad and gets Marmite on it.

“Moustaches probably won’t be in when lockdown ends. But if I shave it off, who even am I? I wouldn’t know who I was anymore.”

Girlfriend Hannah Tomlinson said: “He thinks he’s in the shit? I’ve got a f**king moustache tattooed on my index finger.”